Saturday, June 29, 2013

sorry sorry sorry

Let's catch up. I need you. 

Major custody battle over baby. It is so ugly. The judge has granted the attorneys request to have some "expert" to dive into my past... my fucking personal business. Nothing is off limits. Any legal issues, medical or psychiatric records. UGLY. I have no fucking idea what they will uncover, but it is no secret among my friends the past craziness I have endured. The thought that this painful and personal information could be presented in court to use against me is terrifying and completely heartbreaking. 

The realization is sinking in that I could actually lose her, after nine years of loving and caring for her. She will be gone. My baby girl. My soul is dying. I hate him, he has been a bastard since she was born. He is a bully. He is vicious. Not just to her. I have dreaded checking my email and voice-mail every single day for the past 9 years. I live in fear of his hateful and abusive attacks. Dealing with him in our lives is painful.

I have fleeting moments...  of the urge to give up. Even if I sort-of win. It will not stop him and his brutal verbal and emotional abuse. There is no remedy for that. Sometimes I even entertain the idea that I am not suitable to raise her. That I am too much of a fuck up to raise a child. That i am so broken that it is in her best interest to go. But that is just a cop out. And I am not a pussy. He is the sick one. Sometimes I just don't know if I have the energy to fight much longer.

I am tired. Physically and emotionally. 

I am scared and depressed.

I do not know how I will survive this.

much love zen