Saturday, June 29, 2013

sorry sorry sorry

Let's catch up. I need you. 

Major custody battle over baby. It is so ugly. The judge has granted the attorneys request to have some "expert" to dive into my past... my fucking personal business. Nothing is off limits. Any legal issues, medical or psychiatric records. UGLY. I have no fucking idea what they will uncover, but it is no secret among my friends the past craziness I have endured. The thought that this painful and personal information could be presented in court to use against me is terrifying and completely heartbreaking. 

The realization is sinking in that I could actually lose her, after nine years of loving and caring for her. She will be gone. My baby girl. My soul is dying. I hate him, he has been a bastard since she was born. He is a bully. He is vicious. Not just to her. I have dreaded checking my email and voice-mail every single day for the past 9 years. I live in fear of his hateful and abusive attacks. Dealing with him in our lives is painful.

I have fleeting moments...  of the urge to give up. Even if I sort-of win. It will not stop him and his brutal verbal and emotional abuse. There is no remedy for that. Sometimes I even entertain the idea that I am not suitable to raise her. That I am too much of a fuck up to raise a child. That i am so broken that it is in her best interest to go. But that is just a cop out. And I am not a pussy. He is the sick one. Sometimes I just don't know if I have the energy to fight much longer.

I am tired. Physically and emotionally. 

I am scared and depressed.

I do not know how I will survive this.

much love zen


  1. Psych records are private and protected under HIPAA

    They may have to move heaven and earth to get their hands on medical records. Don't take this as Gospel as lawyers are sneaky fuckers and the law is an ass.

    Custody will depend a lot on what your sister wants.

  2. You may want to get rid of this: "
    I am an unstable and often sex deprived 24 year old who makes fun of everything (myself included), speaks potty-mouth fluently, and am living my life the best way I know how... with brutal stupidity."

    Lawyers are dick suckers and they will not present this as tongue in cheek.

  3. lolz Bally ♥ Thanks for your support Although, my entire blog is full of unsavory shit. But I hope they cannot actually prove who it belongs to.

    And my sister is too young to have any legal say as to her custody preference. I am confident that in a couple years she will be allowed to tell him to fuck off.

  4. I really hope this works out for you. Have they got a good psych expert to do evals and interviews? Your little sis is old enough to tell the expert how much you care about her and how you take care of her. I deal with this stuff a lot at work, but the shrinks the court appoints are usually pretty good at having the kids stay in the place that's best for them.

    ....also I know I shouldn't encourage acts of questionable ethics, but you could always go *talk* to him and get him riled up enough that you can call the police and file a restraining order, thereby giving him a criminal record and a history of violence. Just a thought....


    1. oh wow you are too funny, and it't true... only takes a couple carefully placed words to set him off. Dude makes a complete ass of himself easily. Thnks ♥


    I have been cleaning up my blog list and you were one of the ones I thought had left or dies :'(

    Fucking hell this SUCKS!

    Can you get a trespass order against him? You could have had him done for harassment and abuse years ago! I hope he fucks himself in the ass by blowing up in the wrong place at the wrong time :3

    Sending you all my love and many, many hugs. Always here for you my wonderful Zen <3

    1. OMFG I missed you so much!
      Yeah he definitely needs to blow it out his ass lolz. His angry little inch should be enough to humble him, but he is too stupid to realize his penis is smaller than an infants.

  6. I really hope you can work things out!

    And lovey, while I do stalk you on FB, I am so fucking amazed that you're back on blogger!

    Lots of love to you and your sisters

    PS are you back in the US or still in France?

    1. I am in the US! Yay :)
      ♥ you girl.


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