the REAL update

Miss Burton, out of my love for you, I will disclose my naughty doings.

I was arrested for...... shoplifting. 

At a fucking grocery store.

Yup.

Honestly, money is tight as hell. We've moved to the states. EVERYTHING was overwhelming. But we are finally starting to get settled in. 

Had an 80 degree Christmas though... that kind of killed the holiday spirit for us.

Oh, and I am only in my 20's. So getting grey hair is probably a side effect of living a life of crime.

LURVE you guys.

xoxo zen

PERSONAL stuff you must know

Thank you my lovelies, Violet, Ell, Luna, Lund3on, and the beautiful Madz who started it all... HERE. I wish I could give one back to each of you, as punishment for making me do all this work.

Things I LOATH:

1) Feet They are gross, fungus laden, sweaty, and toenails can even cut you. Yet there are some freaky people that like to suck on them. Keep your feet the hell away from me when I'm eating or I will stab you with my fork.

2) Haters Angry people are toxic. They annoy me. I don't hate them.
I just really really really fucking dislike them, and sometimes want to punch them in the face.

3) Dicks who ignore wildlife while driving There will be a bunch of pigeons on the road and they plow right through. I'd love to see one of those assholes in a crosswalk... oopsie, sorry dude, thought you'd scurry away faster than that.

Things I LOVE:

1. Tailgaters I like to tap my brakes to scare the shit out of them. Sometimes I slow waaaay down for them. I could drive for miles at a snails pace. Oh so fun. *snicker*

2. Jason Statham...

...is a HOT as fuck! Num num num.

3. I guess I should also include my dog, but honestly, she still grosses me out with all her slobbery ass chewing.

4. The Moon I have always been in love with it. A harvest moon is my favorite.

Winners... If you already got one, just pass it along. This helps us all discover other interesting bloggers.

MaryJane - My sexy little foul mouthed vixen. You totally speak my language. I would love to see your answers to this quiz.

Margg - Such an awesome mind. I'd curse a lot less if I were even a fraction as articulate as you... But I gotta work with what I've got. You're writing is beautiful love.

Kelly  - You deserve the shit out of this. I saw this show last night, and hot damn this chic is KICK-ASS. She immediately reminded me of you. Can't wait till you get your tat!

xoxo,

zen

AWARD Time

Awww I took so long, I am sorry. Mmmm. This thing is so pretty. 

Much thanks to my buds Lucille Sottile Kristal Alice Elle Madz Hollow Adeline Katie Bree and zette.
I knew you guys fucking loved me! Kinky bitches.

Here goes confession time...

1. I was partying one night with a girl I met in college. She was very beautiful, all the guys wanted her. As we got in the elevator going to a sky-rise rooftop party, she leaned over and kissed me. It was surprising, and lovely.

2. Everyone in my family is blond, blue eyed and fair skinned. I have dark brown hair, brown eyes and tan skin. When I was young I always imagined  I was kidnapped and my birth parents refused to pay the ransom.
I searched for my half-brother most of my life. I recently found him. He looks just like me. A hottie.

3.  I will try anything atleast once. I see and do some amazing things. And am constantly adding more to the list. Of course I take my sisters along for the ride. I would have loved to have had the opportunity to travel the world when I was their age.

4. My mom listened in on a phone conversation I was having once.She discovered that I smoked pot with a friend. She sent me away to boarding school to straighten me out. They had lots of drugs there.

5. I am a vegetarian. My sister converted me. We put stickers up at McDonalds drive-thru exits everywhere we travel.

6. I shoplifted once.

7. I can control my dreams. It's called lucid dreaming. I prefer to be asleep rather than awake. I get laid much more often.

Now for the awardee's. You ladies already know why I love you...

• What if Summer - The Stolen Orange
• embre - Leak
• Poppy - I Tried To Do Handstands For You
• Luna - Around The Corner
• Scarlett - The Dreamer Chronicles
• Kelly - Tri Thin
• Ellie - Behind My Smile

Much luv,

xoxo zen

Peanut Butter Jelly Time

I don't usually talk about food on my blog. I just find it to be too triggering.

Some of you do.. no problem, I can skim over it. I have no fucking clue as to what you eat, especially when I am fasting.

So be warned...
I am about to talk about why I want to kill Mr Peanut.

Last night I was craving a pb&j sandwich. 2 to be exact. They were monsters. I mean HUGE. I loaded those suckers up with an inch of peanut butter and some raspberry jam.

I became sick half way through the second one. So decided, in my infinite wisdom, it was probably a good time to go to bed. Oh, and did I mention, I had no water to wash those gooey suckers down?

I had a dream I was vomiting. How odd, right? A hot sexy boy was soothing my face with a cool damp cloth. It didn't help. Urp.
I woke up with vomit in my mouth. Gulp.
And a lump of mashed up peanut butter and bread in my throat. I tried swallowing to push that sucker back down. It was choking me. Bleh.

When I sat up, I realized I was all clammy and dizzy.
This turned into a long night of fighting off the vomits. I was afraid to let that fucker come all the way up.

This morning I am still nauseous. My mouth keeps watering like I need to puke. But for some stupid reason I am terrified of that ball of peanut butter inside me. I imagine it is absorbing all the liquids I drink and growing into a massive pile of sticky dough.

Ugh and I am fasting today too... with a peanut butter blob still sitting in an undigested lump in the bottom of my stomach.

Suffice to say, I am NEVER eating pb&j again. EVER again. Yet another food item I have completely ruined for life.

Ack, these rotten tasting peanut butter burps are giving me a headache.

xoxo zen

Post Fast FAIL

I was little miss "snooty pants" after losing so much weight on my fast. Thought I was hot shit. Pffft.
 

Yesterday we got together with some friends for lunch. They made a bunch of vegetarian food for my sisters and I. It was so sweet of them. Assholes.

My eyes rolled back in my head like a shark as I took a bite into a scrumptious veggie burger. It was orgasmic. Had 3 more orgasms after that.

One of my sisters caught me the kitchen stuffing even more food in my mouth. She just stared at me with a bemused look on her face. "What?!" I asked, trying to act all nonchalant.

This morning, I ballooned up 3 fucking pounds!

I promptly removed those veggie chefs from my friends list on Facebook, no more luncheon invites from them. 

I gotta poop! Tonight, I am sending all these turd babies to laxie hell. Problem solved. 

Okay, taking my "snooty pants" off now.

xoxo zen

Bingey Bingey

//Begin Pity Party//

Notice how much I post when I have good stuff to report?

I've been away.

Have been eating crapola. Whatever junk food the girls brought/bring into the apt. Is all gone now.

"Where is the last éclair?" Sister asks stupid question. 

No answer.

"Where is the last chocolate éclair?!" She's blond btw.

No answer.

"Why wont you answer me?!!"

"SHHHH! I'm watching this!" I point to tv.. then brush finger across lips to wipe away any evidence.

"I just want to know where the éclair is!"  

It started off slowly... then slid into binge mode(ish). I'd eat a bit, let it digest, then eat again... NON-STOP. What made it even more pathetic, is food still tastes bland. There was no oral satisfaction, just a mental one.

The only reasons I can think that I was slipping, or trying to slip, back into this habit are...

1. No sex life (vibrator doesn't count).

2. Lost 20lbs but NOBODY noticed. 

3. Holiday... ? I know. I am grasping here.

4. Uhhhhh.

Ok, so there you have it. Heartbreaking, eh?
I KNOW... you "understand how I feel",  "are sorry it is so rough for me right now", "really hope it gets better"... sigh... I hope I get laid soon too.

I hid in my fatcave, afraid to weigh myself for about a week. Finally decided to assess the damage yesterday.

I had this picture all ready for this post, as an example of myself in all my puffy, bloated, freakish glory.

I GAINED 2 FUCKING POUNDS!

Are you shitting me Topa? Are ya laughing behind my back? I was so depressed thinking my clothing was becoming tighter and my body a bit more jiggly. Absolutely sure I had rebounded atleast 10lbs, nearly half my initial loss.

Lo and behold only 2 weensie lbs. Harhar. Joke's on me. 

Today I fast. Those 2lbs go bye-bye.

//End Pity Party//

xoxo zen

I was bad, and I liked it

I ate more than usual yesterday. Something snapped. Well more like succumbed, happily obliged, submitted? Eh, that just sounds slutty. I didn't feverishly stuff my face, I simply ate and got sum pleasure out of it, rawr. wink wink.

So I had a croissant in the morning. And a tofurky sandwich for brunch. Then was craving pancakes for dinner, but we were all out of syrup, whew, disaster averted.

Couldn't drink the "ass" beer though. Fuck! Maybe someday they will come out with an "ass-lite".

Felt a slight twinge of guilt cause I am still a fat as hell. Since I haven't really eaten in over a month, I figured I'd avoid the scale today. Forgive(ish) and forget(ish). But I still feel guilty, otherwise I wouldn't be sitting here at my internet confessional.

Oh, and had my first real poo in a month too. So I guess this binge went straight through me. That's good, right? For some reason? Gotta be something good about that? Somehow? Whatever.

xoxo,

zen

EDIT...
I decided to hop on the scale.
Did not gain an ounce.
Fucking awesome.
Oh topa, you havn't failed me yet, smooches.

Magic Pills

I received a lot of questions after my last post. Yes 20lbs in one month is fucking insane. 

My current *kickass* weightloss is not due to willpower. I recently asked my doctor to prescribe Topamax for my binge eating disorder.

Here is the original post I made about it... Drugs

When I first started using it, food began to taste funky. Two weeks later I convinced my doctor to increase my dosage. She doubled it from 200 to 400mg daily, and my appetite diminished entirely.

I am not hungry at all anymore.When I do eat, food tastes like dirt, and it also upsets my stomach as if I am already full. I lose about 5 pounds a week. So no, I do not really eat. 

Occasionally I do try. Last night I had a few bites of dinner with my sisters. I like to eat chocolate (in moderation). It's the only thing that still tastes good to me. I can't even stand alcohol! God, I fucking miss drinking!! Actually ALL carbonated drinks taste awful now.

The other day my friends planned on having sushi for girls night. Oooh, I'd kill for that stuff! So I skipped my second pill in hopes of regaining any appetite or sensation of taste. Nope, didn't work.

I (slowly) ate two rolls, they were nice and soft, but still bland. Of course, I wasn't able to drink my beer because it was gross and watery. But it was still a fun night.

The drug raises my body temperature as it increases my BMR. And my hands and feet go to sleep all the time, painfully. But I do have a lot more energy than before which is nice.

Curious... How many of you tried to click on the picture?

Much luvs, 

xoxo zen

Fizzy bite... My ass!

The last couple days I have eaten 3 - 4 very fatty meals. That is a lot compared to my one meal per day plan. Am feeling an uncomfortable load in my gut. My fingers and face were puffy this morning. I literally expected to look emaciated after losing half my body weight in diarrhea.

Yesterday was the worst. We had been doing some vigorous shopping and I actually ordered a COKE. I really really really miss the fizzy bite that it has. And although Topamax makes everything taste weird, it focuses the bulk of its anti-food power on soda. But still, I thought, just maybe, maaaaybe it would taste good just one more time. Pretty please?!

Nope... dirt.

Someone rinsed their ass, added some dirt, then poured it into my cup. 

In order to salvage the remnants of my sanity.... *snort* who the fuck am I trying to fool? I am not going to weigh myself until Saturday. That gives me a few days to get back on track. 

The last time I weighed in, I was one pound away from my next goal. ONE pound. Sometimes I wonder if it is self sabotage. So close. Oh shit, tomorrow is girls night out. That means alcohol. Moan. I like alcohol. Maybe I'll enjoy it even more on an empty stomach? >evil smile<.

Some-fricken-how, the last time I had a cheat meal, I still lost 3lbs! This has been two days worth of cheat meals, so I am certainly not expecting that sort of miracle. I'm really just hoping not to see any depressing weight gain. I guess even that would still be considered a miracle, eh?

Much luvs to you girlies.

xoxo zen

Assexplosion

You know what was really funny?
Taking a shitload of laxies one night.Then going to a friends house the next morning and hanging out with his family. I sharted right there, in the kitchen. Oh god. What to do? I sauntered off to the bathroom. Did anyone notice? Did anyone hear that? My ass is NEVER subtle. Is there a humongous stain on the back of my skirt?

That shouldn't have been too noticeable, I thought. Especially since the brown splat was the size of a SAUCER on a LIGHT color skirt.

And my friend is a tall guy, so he certainly couldn't loan me anything fresh to wear. I was half naked,  trying to wash the shit out of my clothes. I made the bathroom smell like ass, I smelled like ass. 

My cell was in the other room, or maybe I left it in the car. No one had come to check on me, and even if they had, they would notice the rancid smell emanating all they way down the hall.
Heh, yeah, that was really funny.  ha fricken ha.

Did you notice that some laxies have dosages for children? Fucking scary. Here baby, you are looking a bit chubby today, lets get you flushed out. Kids should just stick to the lighter stuff, you know, baby laxatives.

I have always taken 2 pills. Well that just wasn't cutting it anymore. They were producing less and less action in the morning. I need to get more action, if you catch my drift... wink wink.

After reading about others taking as many as one whole sleeve of laxies, I was like wow, I can do that too!

Uh, no. Bad idea. I am such a turd.

xoxo zen

Dog poop and chocolate asses

Why do all my neighbors have better cars than me? We all live in the same complex. And why do none of these "classy" people clean up after their dogs? They just stand there acting all nonchalant while their pooch makes a horizontal letter C.

Wouldn't you notice if your long wiener dog suddenly had a huge hump back? Uh, lady I think he's POOPING. Nope, she just looks off into oblivion. Then neighbor kids tromp it up the stairs and I have to dance around it as I carry groceries up to my apartment.

On a Happy(ish) note, I did start my period today so that might explain the constipation yesterday... and the *cough*  6 chocolate-filled croissants last night... and *cough* one pound weight gain this morning *cough*cough*

...weird tickle in my throat.

So ladies, learn from my mistake. Chocolate goes straight to your ass.

Ok, bad example. Sorry.

xoxo zen

Tummy Ache

Oh-Fuck-Me I felt hungry today. My usual binge reaction is to shovel in as much food as possible before I feel full. And I kinda did that just now. I made myself a bowl of pasta, started shoving it in, then luckily caught myself. But.... it was too late. I should have stopped about 10 spoonfuls prior. I have a brick sitting in my gut now.

You know how they tell you to eat slowly cause it supposedly takes awhile for your stomach to let your brain know it is full. Yeah, well imagine (theoretically) you have a stomach the size of a walnut, and it is retarded. I hope I shit this brick out some time soon.

On a lighter note. After yesterdays pizza, my friend told me I would probably not see any loss on the scale. Well, she came over this morning and asked, with a sympathetic look, how my weigh-in was. I lost another TWO pounds! I told her proudly. She was very surprised, and did not look too happy. Oh, well. She'll get over it. I'll certainly be more fun to hang out with when I am not the "fat friend" anymore.

Damn girls, that fat friend always holds the group back. She never has a boyfriend, is kinda depressing, or overly joyous (goofy), tries too hard to get attention, always thinks the other girls are talking behind her fat back, you have to drive her home instead of going home with that hot guy cause she never gets picked up at clubs. Need I say more?

Hmmm, and I cannot fucking wait to fit into some of those thinspo dresses you guys post. But, damn I wish I could afford those. I will just find some cute knock-offs and dance my tight little ass off. Ooh and some shiny little shoes. And of course I will have my own obligatory fat friend. It is only fair. 


xoxo zen

Drugs

OK you guys... I  have now reached 153 lbs. So, that means, I have gained 42 lbs in just 2 months! CRAZY. Mother-Fucking-Crazy.

Today my precious doctor finally prescribed Topamax for me. Yay!

It is used off label for those with binge eating disorders. I didn't think she would be receptive to prescribing any weightloss-type drugs given my history with anorexia. But today I was brutally honest about my binge patterns of late, and subsequent weight gain. So she agreed that this (in conjunction with counseling) is a good option for me.

The reasons Topamax works:

1) Energy expenditure elevations in addition to reduced caloric intake secondary to anorexia.

2) Reduction in the activity of salivary enzymes, which are partially responsible for taste.

3) Reduction in leptin and corticosteroid concentrations. 

4) Reduction in serum glucose and insulin concentrations. 

My doctor warned me that one of the side effects known to this drug is anorexia. Seriously! 

I am feeling very hopeful about this. I really can't wait to see what this drug does for my insane binging problem. Hopefully it will help me to get things back under control. Pray for me plz.

 

xoxo lovelies,

zen

Chucking Cheese

Binged like a psycho again last night.

Then I purged... it fucking hurt! 

An entire pizza is really hard to bring back up.

Holy crap, I look like SHIT today.

I am keeping my sunglasses on and just telling everyone I am sick.

Hell yeah I'm sick! And a dumb ass. Never gonna eat pizza again.
Never.

xoxo zen

Old habits

I am binging daily now. 

I don't really feel particularly hungry, but I really crave sugar like hell. I've began making nightly trips to the grocery with every intention of loading my cart up with junk food.

It feels good at the time. Yes. It makes me happy.

But the next morning, I feel like shit. My whole body is puffy, especially my face. When I look in the mirror after my shower, I want to KILL my reflection. My brand new jeans (the smaller size I just bought) no longer fit! I am currently wearing my "only in emergency" sweat pants as I type this. And they are getting shorter cause my ass is getting bigger.

Last night I lay in bed thinking about my shitty eating habits and began contemplating purging. My rationalization is - it would be my punishment. Like a consequence. Maybe, the next time I think about binging, I will also think about how afterwords my head will be down in the stinky-nasty-toilette. It is possibly a way to psych myself out of binging, right? I really have a phobia about toilets. If I am sick, I puke in the sink... I know... that is even more disgusting. My plunger thinks so too.

I do purge when I drink too much alcohol. It is so fucking easy, only liquid comes up. I just expel it before bed, so I wake up sans-hangover. But... I haven't purged after a food binge in years because I hate gagging on lumps of food. Plus the puffy and red eyes, and sometimes broken blood vessels from straining aren't very pleasant. Clearly there is nothing sexy about purging. It is humiliating.

My stomach is still so stuffed, after last nights binge. I even have indigestion. There is so much SHIT in my system right now (literally). This Has Got To Stop.

Yes girlies, I do know the health risks of purging. But I don't consider this to be a long term solution. My hope is, that It will simply be a deterrent. Eventually my psyche will change, and my unhealthy binge patterns subside (due to not wanting to chuck-lumps).

Chucking Up Lumps... nice visual eh?

I think of it like training - like obedience lessons.
Similar to spraying a cat with a squirt bottle of water  "no no - bad kitty!" spritz-spritz
Instead it's  "no no - bad zen!" puke-puke

I live alone, so I wouldn't have to hide it.

Getting fat is publicly embarrassing. Purging is a solitary thing for me and only I would know the shame.This is just a desperate sign of how my emotional health is deteriorating along with my physique. My desire to lose weight and to be thin is taking a back-seat to self loathing and depression.

Options:

1. Keep on the same path of destruction.

2. Drugs, like Topomax which supposedly suppress appetite.

3. Get psychiatric help... It's not like they can do anything, I am an adult. Even if my mommy found out, hell... she is a fricken anorexic. "Yay, I'm so proud my chubby daughter is finally doing something about her fat ass". Those of you who grew up with dysfunctional parents know pretty-much what I mean.

4. Purge as punishment, a determent, a psycho-fuck-wit-ya-fat-mind-mojo-thingy.

The last time I tried counseling, I was told  to keep a food diary and to simply lower my caloric intake. Dude, if it had any self-control, I wouldn't have sought out help. Just eat less. duh. I am fricken OUT OF CONTROL. The only thing I learned from that, was writing down all the crap I shovel into my mouth just depresses me even more.

 

Hey, just thought about the Doritos on top of my fridge, then I thought, hmmm... how would they taste coming back up? ewww.

A quote by - mynoseburns...

"Today, I sneezed while I was throwing up into the toilet. It turns out that throwing up is even less pleasant when the puke violently shoots out through your nose".

Bless you.

xoxo zen

Who you calling obese?

Today, I went to lunch with some people after class. I stuck to ice water since I only eat dinner. I was actually feeling very proud of my resolve. I wasn't caving in while everyone around me was stuffing their faces. When someone asked why I wasn't eating, I casually mentioned that I was on a diet this week.

One of the girls snapped at me, stating that there was no way I need to lose weight.  
She was very large...oops.
She went on to say that she hated girls who complained about being fat when they had no idea what it was like to be overweight. Eh?

She tried to further make her point by saying that I'd have to be like100lbs overweight to be obese.

Did I say I was obese?! I should have just dropped the subject, but chubba-bubba was getting on my nerves. So I informed her that technically, you’re considered obese if you’re 30 pounds over your ideal weight. 

I’ve never seen a person’s face fall so quickly. ack.  It was like I told her she was dying. My bad. I don't think I'll be invited to lunch with that group again.

BTW.. I ended up binging tonight. She wins.

xoxo zen

You nosy people

Ok, in response the they myriad of emails I have been recieving.  Most of the questions were the same (do I smell a conspiracy?)

Many have stated that, other than the random thoughts I toss out there, I do not delve into who I am personally.

So... here goes. *deep breath*

1. Yes, you are correct, I am anywhere between 80 and 800 pounds. Good guess!

2. No, I do not live with my parents. I did live alone until recently, when my sister moved in with me. She was getting into trouble, and since I was the "bad seed" as a teen, they figured I'd know what to do with her.

3. Yes, I do have an ED. At least by my definition. I have never been diagnosed. I bounce between starving and binging. Lately the latter. I used to purge as a teen. Now, I only do it intentionally when I am drunk and don't wanna be hungover in the morning.

4. Yes, I am straight. No, I do not have a boyfriend. No, I am not a man-hater, I just think men are stupid.

5. Yes, I am demented. Luckily they make meds for that. Uh, anxiety mostly... love my "chill pills".

Ummmm, that is all I can think of right now. Thanks for taking an interest in me. I know I am vague when it comes to my weight. But I am terrified of my scale. It has not been friendly to me lately. I plan on going binge-free for atleast a month before I step on it again. And I promise to divulge my stats to you then.

I love all the comments I get. You guys are awesome! This has become such a safe haven for me. I have spent my entire life feeling so ashamed of my extreme lack of control and obsession over food, it is a relief to have a place where I do not have to hide it. That is probably why I am so playful. I don't have take myself so seriously.

Many xoxo's zen

Dang, I tried very hard to be serious, but I still cannot fight my compulshion to put a silly picture on here... so deal with it!

 

heheheh, what the hell makes some of you think I'm a man-hater?