Old habits

I am binging daily now. 

I don't really feel particularly hungry, but I really crave sugar like hell. I've began making nightly trips to the grocery with every intention of loading my cart up with junk food.

It feels good at the time. Yes. It makes me happy.

But the next morning, I feel like shit. My whole body is puffy, especially my face. When I look in the mirror after my shower, I want to KILL my reflection. My brand new jeans (the smaller size I just bought) no longer fit! I am currently wearing my "only in emergency" sweat pants as I type this. And they are getting shorter cause my ass is getting bigger.

Last night I lay in bed thinking about my shitty eating habits and began contemplating purging. My rationalization is - it would be my punishment. Like a consequence. Maybe, the next time I think about binging, I will also think about how afterwords my head will be down in the stinky-nasty-toilette. It is possibly a way to psych myself out of binging, right? I really have a phobia about toilets. If I am sick, I puke in the sink... I know... that is even more disgusting. My plunger thinks so too.

I do purge when I drink too much alcohol. It is so fucking easy, only liquid comes up. I just expel it before bed, so I wake up sans-hangover. But... I haven't purged after a food binge in years because I hate gagging on lumps of food. Plus the puffy and red eyes, and sometimes broken blood vessels from straining aren't very pleasant. Clearly there is nothing sexy about purging. It is humiliating.

My stomach is still so stuffed, after last nights binge. I even have indigestion. There is so much SHIT in my system right now (literally). This Has Got To Stop.

Yes girlies, I do know the health risks of purging. But I don't consider this to be a long term solution. My hope is, that It will simply be a deterrent. Eventually my psyche will change, and my unhealthy binge patterns subside (due to not wanting to chuck-lumps).

Chucking Up Lumps... nice visual eh?

I think of it like training - like obedience lessons.
Similar to spraying a cat with a squirt bottle of water  "no no - bad kitty!" spritz-spritz
Instead it's  "no no - bad zen!" puke-puke

I live alone, so I wouldn't have to hide it.

Getting fat is publicly embarrassing. Purging is a solitary thing for me and only I would know the shame.This is just a desperate sign of how my emotional health is deteriorating along with my physique. My desire to lose weight and to be thin is taking a back-seat to self loathing and depression.

Options:

1. Keep on the same path of destruction.

2. Drugs, like Topomax which supposedly suppress appetite.

3. Get psychiatric help... It's not like they can do anything, I am an adult. Even if my mommy found out, hell... she is a fricken anorexic. "Yay, I'm so proud my chubby daughter is finally doing something about her fat ass". Those of you who grew up with dysfunctional parents know pretty-much what I mean.

4. Purge as punishment, a determent, a psycho-fuck-wit-ya-fat-mind-mojo-thingy.

The last time I tried counseling, I was told  to keep a food diary and to simply lower my caloric intake. Dude, if it had any self-control, I wouldn't have sought out help. Just eat less. duh. I am fricken OUT OF CONTROL. The only thing I learned from that, was writing down all the crap I shovel into my mouth just depresses me even more.

 

Hey, just thought about the Doritos on top of my fridge, then I thought, hmmm... how would they taste coming back up? ewww.

A quote by - mynoseburns...

"Today, I sneezed while I was throwing up into the toilet. It turns out that throwing up is even less pleasant when the puke violently shoots out through your nose".

Bless you.

xoxo zen