Sunday, February 28, 2010

Poor piggy

What the hell is wrong with me... 
I can't fucking stop laughing!

Dancing With The Stars

Anybody watch that show? Eh, I don't. But I found some excellent Before and After thinspo of these girlies:

Edyta Sliwinska

This chic literally dances in heels to help her stay slim! I would fucking DIE for her legs.

Denis Richards

After six weeks of training... buh-bye cottage cheese thighs.

Cheryl Burke

She say's she couldn't help but lose weight from rehearsing eight hours, five days a week. Well, duh.

 Karina Smirnoff

This girl takes a tablespoon of olive oil on an empty stomach to help aid digestion... hey, whatever works babe.

Now for my FAVORITE...

Holly Madison


Get this... she say's, instead of alcoholic beverages, she now fills up on water. LOL. Dumb Bunny.

Honestly, I do not think any of these girls have "perfect" bodies. But it still makes me wanna turn up the tunes and dance around my house... nekkid. Yeah, I love to dance naked. You got a problem with that?! Gettin boogie witcha baby.

xoxo zen

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Who you calling obese?

Today, I went to lunch with some people after class. I stuck to ice water since I only eat dinner. I was actually feeling very proud of my resolve. I wasn't caving in while everyone around me was stuffing their faces. When someone asked why I wasn't eating, I casually mentioned that I was on a diet this week.

One of the girls snapped at me, stating that there was no way I need to lose weight.  
She was very large...oops.
She went on to say that she hated girls who complained about being fat when they had no idea what it was like to be overweight. Eh?

She tried to further make her point by saying that I'd have to be like100lbs overweight to be obese.

Did I say I was obese?! I should have just dropped the subject, but chubba-bubba was getting on my nerves. So I informed her that technically, you’re considered obese if you’re 30 pounds over your ideal weight. 

I’ve never seen a person’s face fall so quickly. ack.  It was like I told her she was dying. My bad. I don't think I'll be invited to lunch with that group again.

BTW.. I ended up binging tonight. She wins.

xoxo zen

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Tempting Fate

Have you ever have a good day and but put off blogging because you are afraid you'll jinx it?

It's like, "hey I won the lottery"... only to find out it was a gag scratch off. 
I bought one for my mom once. She thought she had won a bazillion dollars. She started screaming, then crying. When she saw my horrified face, she offered to split it with me... oh gawd!
On the back, the fine print tells the "winner" how to collect their winnings (in a very insulting manner).

Well, here it is... I have been binge free for 2 days now. Probably not to amazing to most of you, but I have been so out of control with my eating the last couple months. This is very exciting, a sign that I am ready to get back on track. Finally taking steps in the right direction.

Yesterday I had my usual morning coffee. Drank lots of water, and then by dinner time I realized I had not eaten all day. I actually had to sit there and think very hard about it, trying to recall. It was weird (I am weird). Same thing happened today. Only coffee and water. Have lost about 3lbs of water weight. I know that because of all the fricken peeing.

Oddly, I do have indigestion tho. WTF. An empty stomach is usually blissful. But I just keep burping. Very classy, I know. My fingers and toes are frozen. I have to bundle up to keep warm. No one else is cold. I'ts just me, and I LOVE it.

But even as I make this post, a tiny voice is screaming "noooo, don't do this, as soon as you say it out loud"... or in this case write it down... "you will jinx it". I'm afraid I will go to the damn fridge and PIG out like I do every night.

Visualization. That's what I will do! I will visualize my tight-foxy self getting laid. Yep, you heard me. Sex is the best motivator for me. I'm such a slut. 



 xoxo zen

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

You nosy people

Ok, in response the they myriad of emails I have been recieving.  Most of the questions were the same (do I smell a conspiracy?)
Many have stated that, other than the random thoughts I toss out there, I do not delve into who I am personally.
So... here goes. *deep breath*

1. Yes, you are correct, I am anywhere between 80 and 800 pounds. Good guess!
2. No, I do not live with my parents. I did live alone until recently, when my sister moved in with me. She was getting into trouble, and since I was the "bad seed" as a teen, they figured I'd know what to do with her.
3. Yes, I do have an ED. At least by my definition. I have never been diagnosed. I bounce between starving and binging. Lately the latter. I used to purge as a teen. Now, I only do it intentionally when I am drunk and don't wanna be hungover in the morning.
4. Yes, I am straight. No, I do not have a boyfriend. No, I am not a man-hater, I just think men are stupid.
5. Yes, I am demented. Luckily they make meds for that. Uh, anxiety mostly... love my "chill pills".

Ummmm, that is all I can think of right now. Thanks for taking an interest in me. I know I am vague when it comes to my weight. But I am terrified of my scale. It has not been friendly to me lately. I plan on going binge-free for atleast a month before I step on it again. And I promise to divulge my stats to you then.

I love all the comments I get. You guys are awesome! This has become such a safe haven for me. I have spent my entire life feeling so ashamed of my extreme lack of control and obsession over food, it is a relief to have a place where I do not have to hide it. That is probably why I am so playful. I don't have take myself so seriously.

Many xoxo's zen

Dang, I tried very hard to be serious, but I still cannot fight my compulshion to put a silly picture on here... so deal with it!

heheheh, what the hell makes some of you think I'm a man-hater?

Coke addict

Food left over in my fridge after last nights soirée. More specifically, coke. Fricken coke. Sure all the beer and wine is gone. But coke?! Why me?!
Gawd, I thought, "well maybe just one... looks at the back of the can... 140 calories"!!! Shiiit.

So today's meal plan is as follows:
B - coke
L - coke
D - coke
Total cals = 420
HEY under 500!!

Good job! *zen delusionally pats herself on back*.

xoxo zen

Monday, February 22, 2010

Miss Pole Dance Competitors

These girls ROCK!!

These babes are sporting both muscle and bones. What a beautiful way to stay fit. 

xoxo zen

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Squirrel fight

In my family I am the oldest child. Middle child is 13 year old and youngest is almost 5. I catch middle child eating something chocolate in my kitchen. Oh mercy, she found CHOCOLATE in my kitchen!

I quickly grab the box. The little one spots us and darts toward me asking "What is that? What is that?" My sisters and I become wide eyed and jittery. It . was . so . on.

I run like hell down the hall making a quick left into the bathroom. As I lock the door, I hear her screaming. "I want one!! I want one!! Are you eating it in there? What are you eating in there? I want one!!"
Grrrreeeeeaaaat. My whole family knows I've just barricaded myself in the toilette to horde food. And that I may in-fact be eating it in there. OMG I am so gross.

These kinds of sibling rivalries used to be sort-of cute. But shit, I am a fucking grown up now. Hiding in the toilette, scarfing down something that I do not want to share...
NOT cute.

So I walked out and sweetly handed it to her. But her smile faded when she realized I had eaten the ENTIRE box.

xoxo zen

Saturday, February 20, 2010


Yeah, big oops.
Ran into my ex last night. He was nice to me even smiled. I hate him.
Don't get me wrong, I dumped HIM. But everything was ok. We were civil to each other, sort of friends in a weird way.

So he has a new girlfriend. I have been friendly whenever I see her. I smile, wave, have even spoken to her. 
She suddenly decided to hate me, making it very obvious too, with her ugly scowling glares. So my ex  (lets call him "D" for douche bag) has become an evil ass lately too. Being a REALLY big ass to me.

Well, when I saw D last night, I was very surprised at his demeanor. Wtf was that stupid smile all about? He even came over to talk to me. WTF??? Then I realized, OH, he wasn't with his skank. OOOOH, so NOW you can talk to me, eh? Fucken twat. I was cordial, made a bit of nicey-nice small talk. Then made a speedy getaway.

I was stressed. Decided to have a glass of wine, then two, then three. Ooops. There went the diet. I ate.... Greasy Food! I wont go into details, cause I hate even thinking about what is bulging in my gut right now. 

Fucker made me blow my fast. HE MADE ME. 
Eh, I hate this feeling. I wake up out of a sweet slumber and it takes a second to realize, "OH SHIT! I screwed up last night". 

So I am sitting here at my confessional. Telling you all of my sins. Please forgive me. Actually that last part was directed at my hips and ass. Please forgive me hips and ass. I have let you down. I promise to do better.

xoxo zen

Friday, February 19, 2010

Bitchy witch week

A chocolate Hershey bar was looking at me last night when I stopped at the grocery.
I looked over at it and thought "what? I don't even like you, your boring, plain, any other candy bar is better than you".

Then I saw the sign, BUY ONE GET ONE FREE. Hmmm, that was bad. 

For some ungodly reason I meandered toward the little basket. 
They weren't just single bars either, they were those packs of like 8! 
Then I touched one! ...I think I may have even picked it up slightly.

Luckily I snapped out of my trance, and baked away slowly acting all nonchalant. I felt guilty and embarrassed. 
What if someone saw me? 
I must have looked pretty psychotic... like I wanted to make-love to, and then KILL the chocolate.

Fast forward two hours later. Sitting on my couch, watching a movie. I started craving those damn Hershey bars again. I'd had a glass of wine ...which severely weakens my resolve, on an empty stomach, so I couldn't drive back to the store.

I offered my friend $100 dollars to go get me some chocolate. Yes. I am THAT pathetic.
She said no (because she's a lazy bitch).

Then I woke up to a surprise this morning... YAY... I haven't lost my mind. It was just hormones. Phew. 
WTF though?! I usually have other symptoms like weepiness, or sore boobs. 
Nope, just wanted that damn chocolate.

xoxo zen

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Gonna pamper myself

I am long overdue for a treat for all my hard work. Here is what I picked...

The extensions are single strands of synthetic eyelashes that are curved to replicate a natural eyelash. They provide length and thickness to your own lashes and are available in varying lengths and thickness. They are applied to your individual eyelashes, one lash at a time. There is no need for mascara. The result is thicker, longer, eyelashes that are safe in the shower, while swimming, sleeping or exercising.

How do you plan on treating yourself when you make your next goal??

xoxo zen

poop poop poop....

The stupid binge monster wouldn't leave me alone despite my best efforts to shut him outta my mind.
So, I ended up catching up on some of your blogs and then going to bed. Sometimes he still whispers in my dreams, but its not like binging in a dream really counts... right?

Today I read this post by Shrinking Violet and thought it was VERY cool. She suggests a type of mantra. It helps to clear your mind and calm the moment. I think I'll use the word "poop" since it's very inedible. Well... for me anyway.

 My dog would disagree.

Her style of writing is very eloquent. I suggest you check out her blog.

xoxo zen

oh gawd he's back

Its evening time, and that's when the BINGE monster comes out to visit.
I have done so well today. Two soy protein shakes and tons of water. Kept it under 500 cal.
And the cool thing? I am not hungry at all! Protein rocks!!

So, this mean little binge monster sneaks out from wherever he was hiding (under the bed, in the closet, behind the fridge) and sits down next to me, staring, using his telekinetic powers to put thoughts in my mind. 
"Hmmm... wouldn't (such n such) taste so good right now... or (such-n-such) would be yummy too. Go on, do it, you can start again tomorrow".

He is drooling. I can see it dripping on my couch. 
My stomach is content, but he is doing his voodoo mind fuck, and it always works. 

Fuzzy bastard.

I will not cave I will not cave I will not cave.
His power is strong, but my resolve is stronger. Right? Right?!!

I will watch a movie, cuddle up under a toasty blanket, drink some warm tea and  just ignore him till he slithers back to where ever he came from. hehehe.

I cant hear yoooooou. lalalalaaaaa....

xoxo zen

Monday, February 15, 2010

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Natures laxative

Cramps! My intestines are melting.
My friend looked across the room at me and said "wtf was that sound?" 
It was my stomach growling. 
And I was about to have an ass-explosion on her couch. 

I'd better weigh a hell of alot less tomorrow. 10 or so lbs would be fair.
Wish my toilette had a measurement thingy, you know, to tell me how much I poo'd. 
OK, I know, disgusting. Whatever. 

UGH xoxo zen

Ok, someone just said to me "idiot, that is what bathroom scales are for. if you've lost 10lbs by the end of the day, you know it's not fat, duh" (rolls eyes)

lol... lemme alone beotch!

Thursday, February 11, 2010


I caught a fricken cold. My throat hurts. I'm achy. My nose is stuffed up. My ears are popping. etc etc etc... grrrr.

I Am Sick As A Dog!

WTF does that mean anyways? 
Here I am, coughing all over my computer screen, while my little dog is prancing around the living room.
Stupid dog.


Monday, February 08, 2010

Meal in a box?

This box is barely bigger than a matchstick book and includes 8 complete meals (aka gum).

Now THIS is my kind of "meal in a box".