Thursday, April 29, 2010

Peanut Butter Jelly Time

I don't usually talk about food on my blog. I just find it to be too triggering.

Some of you do.. no problem, I can skim over it. I have no fucking clue as to what you eat, especially when I am fasting.

So be warned...
I am about to talk about why I want to kill Mr Peanut.

Last night I was craving a pb&j sandwich. 2 to be exact. They were monsters. I mean HUGE. I loaded those suckers up with an inch of peanut butter and some raspberry jam.

I became sick half way through the second one. So decided, in my infinite wisdom, it was probably a good time to go to bed. Oh, and did I mention, I had no water to wash those gooey suckers down?

I had a dream I was vomiting. How odd, right? A hot sexy boy was soothing my face with a cool damp cloth. It didn't help. Urp.
I woke up with vomit in my mouth. Gulp.
And a lump of mashed up peanut butter and bread in my throat. I tried swallowing to push that sucker back down. It was choking me. Bleh.

When I sat up, I realized I was all clammy and dizzy.
This turned into a long night of fighting off the vomits. I was afraid to let that fucker come all the way up.

This morning I am still nauseous. My mouth keeps watering like I need to puke. But for some stupid reason I am terrified of that ball of peanut butter inside me. I imagine it is absorbing all the liquids I drink and growing into a massive pile of sticky dough.

Ugh and I am fasting today too... with a peanut butter blob still sitting in an undigested lump in the bottom of my stomach.

Suffice to say, I am NEVER eating pb&j again. EVER again. Yet another food item I have completely ruined for life.

Ack, these rotten tasting peanut butter burps are giving me a headache.

xoxo zen

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Miss Funny Pants

My sister appreciates my sense of humor. Cause she rocks. But her little friends just stare at me like I am stupid.

It was rainy today when I picked her up from school. She had a group of teenagers huddled around hoping for a ride. I'm so cool. I began joking with them as soon as they got in the car.
Uh, nobody laughed. Whatever.

So, I was driving along acting crazy. I was quite funny. Cracking myself up. Being my usual self... which is REALLY fucking hilarious, ya know?
Uh, NO, they REALLY didn't think so.

"She is kidding, she is only kidding, zen they think you are serious, you are scaring them".

What the fuck?

I wasn't really going to run over that old man.. I only hit the gas for a second. Geeze!

My sister say's I am alot funnier in writing than I am in person. Whew...  I'll definitely take that as a compliment.

xoxo zen

*EDIT: Uh, you guys keep saying "hit and run". I was only gonna plow him over, I never said I would just keep on driving! 
Gah, what kind of sick people are you?!
As for the point system... he was moving pretty slow, so I think it would only merit a 10.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Post Fast FAIL

I was little miss "snooty pants" after losing so much weight on my fast. Thought I was hot shit. Pffft.
Yesterday we got together with some friends for lunch. They made a bunch of vegetarian food for my sisters and I. It was so sweet of them. Assholes.

My eyes rolled back in my head like a shark as I took a bite into a scrumptious veggie burger. It was orgasmic. Had 3 more orgasms after that.

One of my sisters caught me the kitchen stuffing even more food in my mouth. She just stared at me with a bemused look on her face. "What?!" I asked, trying to act all nonchalant.

This morning, I ballooned up 3 fucking pounds!
I promptly removed those veggie chefs from my friends list on Facebook, no more luncheon invites from them. 

I gotta poop! Tonight, I am sending all these turd babies to laxie hell. Problem solved. 

Okay, taking my "snooty pants" off now.

xoxo zen

Thursday, April 22, 2010

3 Day Fast WIN

Start weight 136
Finish weight 128
I shit you not!!

Well, maybe I did lean to the left a bit, but it still counts. My scale can only be manipulated a couple oz. Now if it went down a pound, THAT would be cheating.

And keep in mind, I'm on Topa. So I have a considerable advantage when I do not put food in my mouth.

Ever notice how much those empty fat cells like to jiggle? Those bastards really like to stick around, waiting to be filled up again after the famine is over.

I do love how my jeans become baggy after a quick drop in weight. But it sucks that my ass becomes baggy too.

It was all good until last night, my sister cooked up something that shall remain nameless. The mouthwatering smell woke something EVIL inside me.

I was, um strong?
NO. I wanted to kill something... really hard, fatally, to DEATH.
I snapped at everyone and everything around me, like a rabid chihuahua.

I guess I was hungry.

Compared to previous fasts though, this one was pretty tame.

Much luv,
xoxo zen

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Fugly Motivation

My ex-boyfriend (dickwad) has a girlfriend that loves to glare at me. It is her favorite hobby. And I love to watch her do it. It makes me happy. 

My friends and I were at a coffee shop yesterday when dickwad walked in with grumpy. She glanced over at our table and promptly drew her face into a scowl. 

How cute.

The more she pouts, the more humorous it becomes. I just smile at her sweetly. I really look forward to these encounters.

Perhaps I should be flattered. Am I really that intimidating? I'm realizing it can be motivation to lose more weight... I can actually give her a GOOD reason to frown. I fucking love it!

Weight  / Treat
130   Sexy heels to make grumpy jealous
125   Hot makeup to make grumpy jealous
120   Risqué outfit to make grumpy jealous
115   Wicked tattoo to make grumpy jealous
110   Sensuous haircut to make grumpy jealous

Much luv,
xoxo zen

P.S. Thank you SO much for all the loving comments in my last post. It felt wonderful to receive such kindness when I needed it most. You guys are truly beyond amazing!! xoxoxoxoxoxo!!!

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Rattie Heaven

Rest In Peace Piggy

Piggy was a sweet cuddly hairless rat. The only hairs he did have were his curly little whiskers. It felt like a tiny little cat tongue when he licked my fingers. He was so fricken awesome.

My heart is broken.

Thursday, April 15, 2010


Well, as I slept, those extra 2lbs snuck out like a slutty one night stand.
The next day I fasted like a good girl.
Plus I found some rice-wine in my fridge so I decided to allow myself one cup as a reward... mmm it was so nice and warm in my tummy.
Unfortunately drinking sake on an empty stomach leads to typing shit like this...
Sun - sake fast
Mon - sake fast
Tue - sake fast
Wed - sake fast
Thu - sake fast
Fri - sake fast
Sat - sake fast
I think I'll make a few adjustments to that now that I'm a bit more clear headed.

I'm feeling a bit low on my curse word count today, so take it from here Sue Simmons...

Much luv girlies,
xoxo zen

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Bingey Bingey

//Begin Pity Party//

Notice how much I post when I have good stuff to report?
I've been away.
Have been eating crapola. Whatever junk food the girls brought/bring into the apt. Is all gone now.

"Where is the last éclair?" Sister asks stupid question
No answer.
"Where is the last chocolate éclair?!" She's blond btw.
No answer.
"Why wont you answer me?!!"
"SHHHH! I'm watching this!" I point to tv.. then brush finger across lips to wipe away any evidence.
"I just want to know where the éclair is!"  

It started off slowly... then slid into binge mode(ish). I'd eat a bit, let it digest, then eat again... NON-STOP. What made it even more pathetic, is food still tastes bland. There was no oral satisfaction, just a mental one.

The only reasons I can think that I was slipping, or trying to slip, back into this habit are...

1. No sex life (vibrator doesn't count).
2. Lost 20lbs but NOBODY noticed. 
3. Holiday... ? I know. I am grasping here.
4. Uhhhhh.

Ok, so there you have it. Heartbreaking, eh?
I KNOW... you "understand how I feel",  "are sorry it is so rough for me right now", "really hope it gets better"... sigh... I hope I get laid soon too.

I hid in my fatcave, afraid to weigh myself for about a week. Finally decided to assess the damage yesterday.

I had this picture all ready for this post, as an example of myself in all my puffy, bloated, freakish glory.


Are you shitting me Topa? Are ya laughing behind my back? I was so depressed thinking my clothing was becoming tighter and my body a bit more jiggly. Absolutely sure I had rebounded atleast 10lbs, nearly half my initial loss.

Lo and behold only 2 weensie lbs. Harhar. Joke's on me. 

Today I fast. Those 2lbs go bye-bye.

//End Pity Party//

xoxo zen

Monday, April 12, 2010

Sunshine Award Thingy!

I'm sending BIG WET kisses to... minaraloualissonsunshine, and an extra kinky one to you P.D. for this neat Sunshine Award.
I was very excited until I thought about who to pass it along to. Undoubtedly someone is gonna feel hurt, or left out. Shit.
So, uh yeah, thanks a-fucken-lot ladies.

Some of you peeps have already won this award, so don't be greedy. I am not giving it to you.
Hmmm... here goes.

The rules of this blog award are:
1. Post this logo within your blog or post
2. Pass the award onto 5 fellow bloggers
3. Link to the nominees within your post
4. Let the nominees know they have received an award by commenting on their blog
5. Share the love and link the person whom you received this blog award

Miss Burton - There is NEVER a dull moment with this gal.  I am quite a sucker for her sarcasm and dirty talk too.

Sarah - That girl is full of energy. It is absolutely contagious. She is SO adorable.  I could just eat her up... SERIOUSLY... I wouldn't even gain an ounce!

Sottile - Is a very busy vet student... social life, events, travel, studies, etc... I live vicariously through her exciting and dramatic life.

Her roommates however need to have their baked goods shoved up their fat asses.

I read everyone of the blogs to the lower right of my page. Check them out. They are all lovely.

Much luv,
xoxo zen

P.S. Meg - I saw someone else already gave this award to you. Check your comments, then get off your tiny ass and do the post. xoxo

P.P.S. Everyone should check out Calla's blog too. She's supa cool. I really love people who use the word "fuck". It adds a nice dramatic flair. She's definitely got alot of flair.

Thursday, April 08, 2010

Lala Land

My girlie P.D. was talking about her first love. It was (and still is) intense. I have yet to experience that particular type of insanity.

The only long-term relationship I ever had lasted about a year. I liked him for the first couple months, then HATED  him the remaining 10 months. After that I rarely dated anymore, mostly just used guys for sex (they didn't mind).

I have special standards.

Anybody watch Lost? I am addicted to Lost, can't believe this is the last season.

My latest fantasy is Martin Keamy (the mercenary from Lost)... he likes to play rough *wink wink*. OK he is actually a TV character, but we have a great life together in lala land. Maybe that's why I've never been in love, all the boys I truly want are imaginary.

Sadly real men just don't cut it. A guy may have that sexy rouge-esq-ness about him, but then as he confidently walks over to flirt, I look down in horror at his ...  flip flops, mercenaries don't wear flip flops!

Much luvs,
xoxo zen

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

The wheel is turning, but the hamster is definitely dead.

I am having EPIC brain-farts lately. Perhaps this prolonged fast is starting to kill off my brain cells, causing them to release noxious gas.

At the holiday family gathering the women were talking about a cousins recent "natural delivery" in which a birthing tub was set up in her living room. (no electricity)

Hours after the birth, a hose was hooked up to the (bloody) tub and drained into the toilette. (gag) So I asked who got to put the hose in their mouth and siphon that shit out? Silence. I heard crickets. Why the fuck did I say that?

I usually think before I speak... but the brain flatulence is pushing words out before I have time to process them. Fuuuuck. Instead of talking to people, I might as well just walk over and pee on them. It would be far less embarrassing.

People are speaking way too fast also. They need to dumb-it-down a bit. You know? The way you would talk to a   s.. l.. o.. w..  person. 

My baby sister and I were at a shop today and I called out to her to come over to me. She yelled back, "that is not my name" and kept wandering around.  "Whoever you are, get your ass back over here" I shouted. A lady in the shoppe was eyeballing me so I tilted my head and smiled.

Yeah lady,  just keep on walking. Else you might catch my stupid.

xoxo zen

Friday, April 02, 2010

I was bad, and I liked it

I ate more than usual yesterday. Something snapped. Well more like succumbed, happily obliged, submitted? Eh, that just sounds slutty. I didn't feverishly stuff my face, I simply ate and got sum pleasure out of it, rawr. wink wink.

So I had a croissant in the morning. And a tofurky sandwich for brunch. Then was craving pancakes for dinner, but we were all out of syrup, whew, disaster averted.

Couldn't drink the "ass" beer though. Fuck! Maybe someday they will come out with an "ass-lite".

Felt a slight twinge of guilt cause I am still a fat as hell. Since I haven't really eaten in over a month, I figured I'd avoid the scale today. Forgive(ish) and forget(ish). But I still feel guilty, otherwise I wouldn't be sitting here at my internet confessional.

Oh, and had my first real poo in a month too. So I guess this binge went straight through me. That's good, right? For some reason? Gotta be something good about that? Somehow? Whatever.


I decided to hop on the scale.
Did not gain an ounce.
Fucking awesome.
Oh topa, you havn't failed me yet, smooches.