Thursday, April 29, 2010

Peanut Butter Jelly Time

I don't usually talk about food on my blog. I just find it to be too triggering.

Some of you do.. no problem, I can skim over it. I have no fucking clue as to what you eat, especially when I am fasting.

So be warned...
I am about to talk about why I want to kill Mr Peanut.

Last night I was craving a pb&j sandwich. 2 to be exact. They were monsters. I mean HUGE. I loaded those suckers up with an inch of peanut butter and some raspberry jam.

I became sick half way through the second one. So decided, in my infinite wisdom, it was probably a good time to go to bed. Oh, and did I mention, I had no water to wash those gooey suckers down?

I had a dream I was vomiting. How odd, right? A hot sexy boy was soothing my face with a cool damp cloth. It didn't help. Urp.
I woke up with vomit in my mouth. Gulp.
And a lump of mashed up peanut butter and bread in my throat. I tried swallowing to push that sucker back down. It was choking me. Bleh.

When I sat up, I realized I was all clammy and dizzy.
This turned into a long night of fighting off the vomits. I was afraid to let that fucker come all the way up.

This morning I am still nauseous. My mouth keeps watering like I need to puke. But for some stupid reason I am terrified of that ball of peanut butter inside me. I imagine it is absorbing all the liquids I drink and growing into a massive pile of sticky dough.

Ugh and I am fasting today too... with a peanut butter blob still sitting in an undigested lump in the bottom of my stomach.

Suffice to say, I am NEVER eating pb&j again. EVER again. Yet another food item I have completely ruined for life.

Ack, these rotten tasting peanut butter burps are giving me a headache.

xoxo zen


  1. thank you for ruining peanut butter for seriously. I love your posts.

  2. ouch .. hehe but i hate peanut butter and with jam on it .. ick i don't know how people can even eeat it !

    i like jelly sandwiches though, but rarely eat them.. don't know why :/ i just don't haha

    good post

  3. Nothing will ever ruin pb for me. Jam, however...ugh.

  4. Just Say No to peanut butter.

    I have no sugar/no salt peanut butter-it is literally just smushed up raw peanuts. In the past I have tried to include this in binges. Everyone knows you eat faster and don't chew properly when binging. And this stuff is so thick. It ended up with me having crippling pains in my oesophagus from gigantic lumps of peanut butter trying to work their way down. I had this horrible experience of being unable to vomit, or swallow this disgusting stuff. It just remained there, stuck in my throat, making me feel like I was being suffocated by peanut butter.

    Never touched the stuff since. It's icky. Hmmm Jam. Never had any problems with that, but neither do I find I particularly have cravings for it.

    It's quite good to ruin food though. The more negative associations, the less there is for you to eat :P xx

  5. An inch of peanut butter is pretty sickening. I want to vomit just thinking about it. It's probably all the grease.

  6. hehe, aww a fear of peanut butter...that has to an original one!

    i don't really get pb&j sandwiches, when i use to eat such things it was always pb and nutella. yum :P


  7. Ah,thank you for crossing pb&js off my list. I love your blog.

    xoxo distortedperception.

  8. Lol I love pbj on toast, you can't beat it :D

  9. Thank goodness I'm allergic to nuts! XD

  10. I'm glad I read this. I was just about to go get an apple with crunchy peanut butter. that's about 200 cals you just saved me from!!

  11. :O i totally did the same thing last night! i wanted peanut butter and jelly so bad...

    it was horrible. i totally feel what you're going through right now.


  12. yea i find it triggering to read about food, so i didn't read the entire post once i saw the PB&J. ahhh, i'm already craving it. based on my glimpse of the beginning and the end, i'm assuming u purged...? anyway, u'r so good at fasting, so i'm sure it didn't hurt u too bad. now i need to be abducted by aliens or something to forget about PB&J lol /xo

  13. I love PB beyond almost anything. No matter how sickening someone can describe it PB will always have a place in my heart.

    Re-burping PB is another matter entirely.

  14. Oww, that pb&j experience doesn't sound too pleasant. :(
    I hope you're feeling better.

    &thank you so much for your comment, it really made me feel better, i tried looking at reverse thinspo and you're right. It works haha. I feel a LOT better. :)

  15. gah, that totally blows, stuck PB. sorry to hear that. hope that sucker goes down soon. or up. either way... /xo

  16. Zen my Topa arrived!

    I have no idea whether it's the real deal, it looks so dodgy! They didn't even send it in packets-just shoved all the pill packs in between some cardboard and sellotaped it up, oh dear. It came with an amusing note attached that was like-this is totally legal, it's a sample! Yeah of 180 pills...

    This is some hardcore shit bird. I looked up the leaflet for it online. I'm suprised they even prescribe this. I guess epilepsy is pretty fucking bad to warrant taking this. Are we really this desperate?


    I will keep you updated on how things go. I'm not expecting much. It is from India after all. How soon before you felt effects?


  17. i've never liked peanut butter... like, i like the taste. but i hate the stickiness, and the feeling of the oil on it. and it gets EVERYWHERE, i swear to god. like if there was a simple way for me to eat it, directly from jar to mouth, i would love it. but i'm so messy and it ends up everywhere, under my fingernails, in my hair. i've had bad past experiences with peanut butter...

    also it's super fattening.

    dude, zen, check this out! from your sense of humor on your blog, i think you'd get a kick out of this.


  18. Tingly hands!! It kicked in whilst typing on blogger. Ahaha it makes me giggle xx

  19. Ugh that sounds awful!! Your body was rejecting that peanut butter! Even though it sounds like a horrible night, now pb&j has been ruined for you. It's a blessing in disguise?


  20. Brilliant, mood swings and depression. Like I need to be more depressed. And I'm a moody bitch as it is. Brain farts also sounds great. I probably shouldn't be messing with this right before my finals. Tumpty tum...

    You haven't mentioned the most important side effect-the weight loss and loss of appetite!! When do THOSE kick in do you think? All of this other stuff is no good without that? Even thought it's one of the most common side effects it seems only around 16% are reporting it trials at the lower dose, which isn't brilliant. Dizziness/numbness of extremities/depression/seeing things/kidney stones etc for a 16% chance of weightloss is not great odds!

    Meh. We'll see.


  21. Yeah I did some reading up on trials 'cause I get access to scientific journals and I am amazed that they are actually prescribing this stuff. They do seem to know so little about it and the weightloss stuff can be quite hardcore!

    Nah, I'll be fine. If it does start to bother me I'll just cut back the dose or stop. I took my exams last year whilst practically insane so Top do your worst!

    I'm sorry your binging was so bad. I was in a similar situation. Until I returned to restricting again when I started my blog, I hadn't been able to resume normal eating patterns since entering recovery from Anorexia and was binging every time I ate anything. It was horrible. That's why what I really want from the Topa is the loss of appetite so I can try to get back into the habit of eating normally without binging. I'm not too bothered about the weightloss because I only have a little more. Obviously I wouldn't say no to it tho :P

    Hope you're well lovely xx

  22. Tag, you're it!
    Go read my last post (:

  23. well ... congrats.
    it's nice to dream about food in a bad way. So you're not going to eat another pb sandwich are you? Good. Because you shouldn't. :)

    I never understood the peanut butter thing anyway ... you know that movie something blahblah meet joe black? With brad pitt? And he eats pb. I was like ... yaaay have to try it.

    diiiiiiiiiiisgusting!!!! i guess it's an american thing .... brits are on marmite, amercan people on peanut butter ... gosh thank god I'm German. We have beer. :D


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