Love is in the air... and it smells funky

Baby, age 5, has now had her first kiss. Says he tastes like bacon. So she and bacon-lips are getting married when she grows up. She sees no reason to search any further, he is the ONE.

Teen sister has found a guy that can tame her wild ways. She is not out flirting, teasing and ripping boys little hearts out these days. This is the lucky one who made her finally decide to get on birth control (hint hint). Gross.

Best friend has a new guy in her life, thus marathon sex and NO time for a social life. When she is in a new relationship it is like she disappears off the face of the earth. I would have to go over there and pull that penis out of her to get some quality girl time.

Being in love is so retarded.

Am I am the only one who see's the insanity in it all? They'll come to their senses eventually. And when they do, I'll be sitting right here. Waiting for them. Alone.

 

By the way... I MISSED YOU GUYS!
If I post a tard comment on your blog, it's just because I have no idea what you're talking about. I've still got so much gossip to catch up on.

Many xoxo's,

zen

Fairy Poop

I haven't eaten in forever. So now the evil little fat-fairy has begun stalking me. She basically takes a shit and food drops in front of you... like magic.

At a cafe my best friend drops part of her sandwich onto the table in front of me. Claiming she cannot possibly eat the whole thing herself. Uh, no thanks. I do not eat food right off of a dirty table. Gross.

Screw it, I ate it anyways.

Then, that night, I was startled awake by a mouth full of vomit. I was confused so I fucking swallowed it (don't worry, it wasn't lumpy).

In the morning I woke up feeling so shitty. And I had the worst migraine of my life.

I am NEVER eating again. Fucking ever!

While other fairies spread their sweet fairy dust around... that evil bitch is spreading her FECES.  
Then tricking poor hungry girls into EATING it!

I know, drama queen much? Yep. I HATE BEING SICK!!! Unless I've just had a crazy wild x-rated evening, I do NOT want to wake up feeling hungover.

Mmm, I wish I had a yummy guy to cuddle up with. Sex is better than food anyways. Yup, even NOW I'm gonna complain about my lack of sex life.

Hey, just wait until I finally do bag a man! Every post will be about how great my sex life is. "blah blah... his chewy ass..."

Either way this blog is doomed.

xoxo,

zen

Dick Speak

My stomach shriveled up after the 3 day baby food cleanse. I wasn't hungry, so I didn't eat for the next week. Despite the fact that I went out for drinks on girls night, I am still calling this a fast. 

I lost a total of 10lbs, gained back 2lbs post fast (it's really just pre-poo) Total loss = 8lbs Woot!!

Unfortunately I only seem to be capable of talking about ONE thing when drinking on an empty stomach. Can you guess what it is??

PENIS
It doesn't seem to have anything to do with simply being drunk though. I can become completely wasted and still have a great cock-free conversation, as long as I have food in my tummy.

As I told you in another post, I spent one fun evening eating and getting drunk with a homeless man. And I can assure you, I did not bring up the subject of his penis even once.

But give me a couple beers on a fasting tummy and all that comes out of my mouth is dick speak.

So a couple drinks (during this fast) led to the usual flirting, then asking a boy about his penis size, challenging him to prove it by whipping it out RIGHT there, and eventually mocking him for being too much of a pussy to do it.

Needless to say, I did not get laid that night. Hmmm. Perhaps I should reevaluate my approach?

Ah, well... despite my wicked ways, the scale goddess saw fit to FINALLY bless me with 120 pounds. Next goal is 110 baby!

Oh, and my ultimate goal is to finally have sex again before it just doesn't fucking matter anymore how thin I am.

Hey! It's the Penis Song!

xoxo, zen