Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Dick Speak

My stomach shriveled up after the 3 day baby food cleanse. I wasn't hungry, so I didn't eat for the next week. Despite the fact that I went out for drinks on girls night, I am still calling this a fast. 

I lost a total of 10lbs, gained back 2lbs post fast (it's really just pre-poo) Total loss = 8lbs Woot!!

Unfortunately I only seem to be capable of talking about ONE thing when drinking on an empty stomach. Can you guess what it is??
It doesn't seem to have anything to do with simply being drunk though. I can become completely wasted and still have a great cock-free conversation, as long as I have food in my tummy.

As I told you in another post, I spent one fun evening eating and getting drunk with a homeless man. And I can assure you, I did not bring up the subject of his penis even once.

But give me a couple beers on a fasting tummy and all that comes out of my mouth is dick speak.

So a couple drinks (during this fast) led to the usual flirting, then asking a boy about his penis size, challenging him to prove it by whipping it out RIGHT there, and eventually mocking him for being too much of a pussy to do it.

Needless to say, I did not get laid that night. Hmmm. Perhaps I should reevaluate my approach?

Ah, well... despite my wicked ways, the scale goddess saw fit to FINALLY bless me with 120 pounds. Next goal is 110 baby!

Oh, and my ultimate goal is to finally have sex again before it just doesn't fucking matter anymore how thin I am.

Hey! It's the Penis Song!

xoxo, zen


  1. I'm sooo jealous!!! Okay so please explain in detail this baby food fast. Brand? Amount per day?
    10 pounds is absolutely amazing! Good for you!!!


  2. I have a couple things to say to you.

    What does the baby food diet consist of? JUST baby food? And how often? Whenever you're hungry or three times a day, like normal meals? What brand of baby food do you suggest/recommend? Does it taste good?

    Also, when I get drunk ALL I talk about is how horny I am and sex...and hot chicks...and hot get the point. So yeah. I know exactly what you're talking about.

    OH MY GOD! I just noticed I'm in your sidebar. Cue warm, fuzzy, loved feeling. <3

  3. 10th pounds! I'm so jealous. I think I might need to adopt this baby food diet although not quite sure how the fiance would feel about it.

  4. Lady, you're so fly. I love your amazing humor and willpower. Congrats on hitting 120, that's awesome!

    Also, I am cracking the fuck up. You're too fucking funny lol

  5. Wow, 10 lbs. Crazy! Congrats!

  6. well obviously the reason you talk that way when your fasting and drunk is because your starving...
    tube steak
    skin flute
    the zipper ripper
    wrinkle beast
    bologna pony

    ...but lets not beat around the bush with penis jokes. ;P
    it sounds like your a blast to hang out with when your drunk and hungry lol. i guess i could see how that forwardness about wiener around men might scare some of them off.guys are such pussys now adays around vocal women. im sure eventually you'll find a guy cocky and flirty enough to take you up on that "pull your penis out" dare. then all you'll need is a pocket full of rubbers and an empty bathroom stall and your all set!
    congrats on reaching 120! your going to be at 110 in no time flat. your streingth is awe inspiring and completely intimidating lol.
    stay strong

  7. omg, i'm so happy for you, 10 pounds, congrats!
    and I also wanted to say what embre said, that you sound like a blast to hang out, you seem just the kind of girl I would talk to when at parties :D
    when I'm drunk I usually talk about food ( with gates, not with people) and when I'm horny, about men and their "stuff" :D

    anywayzzzzzzz, good luck to you (:

  8. GEEZUS! lol'd @embre's post. The Zipper Ripper. Haha.

    Congrats, also HOW THE FUCK DID YOU EAT NOTHING, CUNT?!!??!?!
    Rant aside, I am seriously impressed at that willpower. Just water, then?
    xxoo Eva

  9. This post made me laugh to tears at work, thank-you thank-you thank-you honey from saving me from office dull-ness!!!!!

    you need you own Alejandro sweetie...

    And congrats for the 10lbs!!!


  10. who doesnt love a bit of penis talk? personally, its one of my favourite subjects!
    holy shiiiit 10lbs!? you are a goddess of the scale, you just tell it to drop and it obeys!
    oh so so proud.

    love you xx

  11. Haha girl after my own heart! I get very sexually aggressive when drunk, in conversations and actions! I started bullying a guy to get into this limi green mankini he's bought as a joke and then ripped the piss out of him for not being man enough to do it. Think I come across as man starved. Which I am. Apparently I've turned lesbian though. Got wasted on the weekend and started groping a female friend and gnawing and nibbling on her neck...!?! Ended up in hospital with alcohol poisoning the same night so think I can be forgiven. Downside of weightloss: can't handle my fucking drink. Also am now scared of sex. Am trying to keep a fine line between feeling too fat and horrible to look at myself and knowing I'm too bony to have a man look at me. Means I constantly don't feel skinny enough but at least may still stand a chance of getting laid.

    You still on the Topa love? Your weight loss is insane.

    Haha I love your blog rating! Also the new header. Tasty. xx

  12. hahahaha lmaolmao @ the penis this yesssss

  13. omg embre's comment is perfection

    hahah, love it all

    & FUCKING A! 10lbs is wonderful!!

  14. Yup Elle I am still taking the Topa, it raises my bmr, so when I don't eat I can lose 1-2 pounds a day.

    Unfortunately I just have such an all-or-nothing mental hang up on food.

    If ONLY they supplemented alcohol with vitamins. I could live off that shit happily ever after.

  15. i talk about sex a lot when i'm drunk too!!! Or I give lectures on spirituality. but yeah for example i've given directions on how to give a good blow job one night while returning home from a club, to a car full of guys and like one other chick...

  16. What doesn't belong?

    An Egg? A wife? A Drum? A Blow job?

    Answer, a blow job... You can beat an egg, you can beat your wife and you can beat a drum BUT You can't beat a blow job!

    Sunday, July 11, 2010 -- from Bigger Fatter Blog
    Proud FA's Guide to Gaining and Maintaining
    As the Dean of Feederism it was important for me to know exactly how much to feed a female fatling to plump her up and keep her plumped. Now that I am with Thinnette I have been reading some pro anorexia blogs in order to gain a greater understanding of gaining and maintaining. This will not be my most exciting article but I feel it is important for both pretty plump gainers and those lovely lovely thinlings guys like Fat Bastard and I adore and love to bone.

    It's All About the Calories Stupid!

    In spite of what the mean, jealous and angry girls in the old FA movement would like you to believe gaining and maintaining is all about calories in vs calories out. If you want to get fat you simply have to eat more food high in calories. If you want to lose weight you simply need to eat less calories. If you want to maintain you need to eat the correct about of calories.

    Tips and Tricks

    1. Eat a lot but don't eat often. While this may sound counter intuitive, it isn't. Eating actually increases your metabolic rate and it keeps you from being ravenously hungry.

    2. Don't move anymore than you absolutely must. Moving burns precious calories.

    3. While you cannot avoid all fruits and vegetable remember that fiber takes up space and it takes a lot of energy to digest. If you get constipated have your feeder give you a laxative or an enema. Enemas are fun.

    4 If I have said it once I have said it 10000000 times - FAT FATTENS BEST! Fat contains a whooping 9 calories per gram whereas carbohydrates and proteins contain a paltry 4 calories per gram.

    5. Sleep a with a blanket or at least a sheet over you. Your giant body surface loses massive amounts of of heat. Heat = Calories!

    6. Use your diabetes! Take a little extra insulin to spike your appetite.

    7. Look for fast food bargains and specials.

    8. Replace your half & half with cream.

    9. Watch the Food Network of Fatspiration.

    10. Find a good food delivery service.

    Now for some truly non-thinspirational words from our good friend friend Coach Gains.

    Coach Nestor Gains: Nobel Prize and Taco Bell Prize winning eating coach.

    If you see a pound's been lost, don't give up at any cost. KEEP ON EATING! - Coach Gains

    EAT! - Coach Gains

    1 2 3 4 you can eat a whole lot more. 5 6 7 8 hurry up and clean your plate. - Coach Gains

    Enough with the rabbit food; vegetables are what food eats. - Coach Gains

  17. I hope you find this helpful. The rest is on Bigger Fatter Blog. There are some interesting pictures.

    Welcome to the Metabolic Ballpark!

    Here are the metabolic numbers for slightly active women age 35. If you are older than 35 the numbers will be slightly lower and if you are younger than 35 the numbers will be slightly higher. The same holds true for men.

    At 100 pounds

    * Resting (basal) metabolic rate: 960 calories per day
    * Typical daily activities: 480 calories per day
    * Total calories burned: 1440 per day

    At 120 pounds

    * Resting (basal) metabolic rate: 1152 calories per day
    * Typical daily activities: 576 calories per day
    * Total calories burned: 1728 per day

    At 140 pounds

    * Resting (basal) metabolic rate: 1344 calories per day
    * Typical daily activities: 672 calories per day
    * Total calories burned: 2016 per day

    At 160 pounds

    * Resting (basal) metabolic rate: 1344 calories per day
    * Typical daily activities: 672 calories per day
    * Total calories burned: 2016 per day
    At 180 pounds... a mere pup

    * Resting (basal) metabolic rate: 1728 calories per day
    * Typical daily activities: 864 calories per day
    * Total calories burned: 2592 per day

    At 200 pounds

    * Resting (basal) metabolic rate: 1920 calories per day
    * Typical daily activities: 960 calories per day
    * Total calories burned: 2880 per day

    At 220 pounds

    * Resting (basal) metabolic rate: 2112 calories per day
    * Typical daily activities: 1056 calories per day
    * Total calories burned: 3168 per day

    At 240 pounds...... Now you're getting the idea!

    * Resting (basal) metabolic rate: 2304 calories per day
    * Typical daily activities: 1152 calories per day
    * Total calories burned: 3456 per day

    At 260 pounds

    * Resting (basal) metabolic rate: 2496 calories per day
    * Typical daily activities: 1248 calories per day
    * Total calories burned: 3744 per day

    At 280 pounds

    * Resting (basal) metabolic rate: 2688 calories per day
    * Typical daily activities: 1344 calories per day
    * Total calories burned: 4032 per day

    At 300 pounds...... You've come a long way baby!

    * Resting (basal) metabolic rate: 2880 calories per day
    * Typical daily activities: 1440 calories per day
    * Total calories burned: 4320 per day

    At 350 pounds

    * Resting (basal) metabolic rate: 3360 calories per day
    * Typical daily activities: 1680 calories per day
    * Total calories burned: 5040 per day

    At 400 pounds

    * Resting (basal) metabolic rate: 3840 calories per day
    * Typical daily activities: 1920 calories per day
    * Total calories burned: 5761 per day

    At 450 pounds.... True dedication!

    * Resting (basal) metabolic rate: 4320 calories per day
    * Typical daily activities: 2160 calories per day
    * Total calories burned: 6481 per day

    At 500 pounds

    * Resting (basal) metabolic rate: 4800 calories per day
    * Typical daily activities: 2400 calories per day
    * Total calories burned: 7201 per day

    At 600 pounds

    * Resting (basal) metabolic rate: 5761 calories per day
    * Typical daily activities: 2880 calories per day
    * Total calories burned: 8641 per day

    * Resting (basal) metabolic rate: 6721 calories per day
    * Typical daily activities: 3360 calories per day
    * Total calories burned: 10081 per day

  18. God, I didn't mean to come of as judging her. Judging the media spotlight, yes. I'd be a fucking WRECK if I had that much media attention on me. She just has the cash to back up what I would want done myself. What annoyes me is the denial though. If I was going to do it, I at least wouldn't lie about it. Though I can see why you wouldn't admit to an ED, but lots of more down to Earth British celebs do talk pretty openly about weight, their failed dieting attempts, and the pressure to stay skinny. It seems like some weird pact in America to keep schtum.

    I wish Topa had that effect on me. All it seemed to do was make my hands tingle. And it cost me a fortune. So I haven't re-bought 'cause I couldn't be sure if it was genuine or just some weird shit that made me tingly. If you ever feel like selling surplus stock...

    And I too have a all or nothing attitude to food. I wish there was a food supplement so I didn't have to eat. Really I do. It's easier to not eat, than do the halfway house between fasting and eating whatever the hell you like. Have you read au-rexi-saurus' blog? She's like an anorexic alcoholic. Girl after your own heart. She scares me though so I don't follow any more. x

  19. I love the sound of this road trip. If we ever went to a raunchy titty bar I imagine we would end up getting up there and shaking our stuff. And men would flee before us.

    Eh, commenting on your blog is such a marathon task these days. I have to scroll past about a zillion comments. Stop being so popular yeah? x

  20. OMG I forgot how much I love the penis song!!! I have not watched that movie in forever, but now I think it is a must watch in the next couple days :)

  21. I fucking love your blog. I am now following. Never stop writing! It's awesome. I love your humour lol


  22. Thanks love, it REALLY needed to be done. I'm just slightly worried it's not going to take, he can be quite stubborn...

    My mouse appears to have wonderful taste in clothing - everything he nibbles his way through is generally 100% cotton or thereabouts. I just take comfort in the knowledge that in soonish i'm going to have to replace most of the shit he's eating as it's all 2-3 sizes too big.

    Teehee, i'm generally quite vulgar and sexually aggressive when drunk too. Before we got together, my current boyfriend was dithering over whether he wanted to risk our friendship - so i straddled him when we were out one night to get my point across. I can apparently be rather persuasive.

    And finally; what's the difference between pink and purple?


  23. Heh heh heh, glad you liked it.
    Also, LOVE your glossary.


  24. haha oh my dearest.
    you make me laugh.

  25. I really am hoping for you to get laid! I totally know that feeling, and it sucks! I totally feel for you.. Little do you know he's right around the corner! That's what happened to me.. I was soooo deprived of sex and then BAM! I met my now BF and we fucked on the 2nd date.. I wasn't fucking around anymore! Lol. Keep up with the not eating! That's awesome that you lost 10 lbs!

  26. Your blog is fucking hilarious. And 10 pounds?! You're seriously sweet at life for losing 10 pounds. Keep up the good work, girlie!


Use foul language if you love me...