Monday, July 19, 2010

Fairy Poop

I haven't eaten in forever. So now the evil little fat-fairy has begun stalking me. She basically takes a shit and food drops in front of you... like magic.

At a cafe my best friend drops part of her sandwich onto the table in front of me. Claiming she cannot possibly eat the whole thing herself. Uh, no thanks. I do not eat food right off of a dirty table. Gross.

Screw it, I ate it anyways.

Then, that night, I was startled awake by a mouth full of vomit. I was confused so I fucking swallowed it (don't worry, it wasn't lumpy).

In the morning I woke up feeling so shitty. And I had the worst migraine of my life.

I am NEVER eating again. Fucking ever!

While other fairies spread their sweet fairy dust around... that evil bitch is spreading her FECES.  
Then tricking poor hungry girls into EATING it!

I know, drama queen much? Yep. I HATE BEING SICK!!! Unless I've just had a crazy wild x-rated evening, I do NOT want to wake up feeling hungover.

Mmm, I wish I had a yummy guy to cuddle up with. Sex is better than food anyways. Yup, even NOW I'm gonna complain about my lack of sex life.

Hey, just wait until I finally do bag a man! Every post will be about how great my sex life is. "blah blah... his chewy ass..."
Either way this blog is doomed.



  1. Why does it have to be guys? I'm available. You don't fucking want me, do you? *sobs in the dark*

    Damn women and their wands. Gotta watch for those faeries.

    Remember, I'm available... *whistles and slowly walks away*

  2. i missed reading your posts!
    the fat fairy sounds a bit like my mum..

  3. um what if he's hopeless in bed?

  4. *Sets up fairy traps*

    *Giggles nastily*


  5. Chewy? Wouldn't supple be a better adjective? lol
    I found the fat faerie! She shit in my kitchen like half an hour ago. Can't we potty train her or something? Gah.

  6. Chewy! I lOVE to bite guys on the bum.

  7. You crack me up, girl.
    You haven't eaten in forever?
    You're thinspirational. ;]
    Gosh, I love reading your blog - just letting you know.

  8. *in American advertising voice* Has YOUR life been blighted by the 'Fat Fairy' phenomena? Dreaded by anorexics everywhere... Then try our fabulous new Fat Fairy Swatter, proven 100% effective at removing those pesky Fat Fairies from you life when coupled with our innovative Fat Fairy Away spray. Get both today and receive our special promotional portable black hole - perfect for permanently disposing of those irritatingly tempting morsels of food!

    I can see the infomercial already.

    Also, because I know you'll enjoy it the most - recently I have discovered that our mice have a special preference in terms of where they chew on my clothing.

    The crotch.



  9. Nail down a guy, beauty. You deserve it!

  10. That damn fairy! I hate her!!!

  11. oh my gosh that happened to me the other night too - waking up with puke at the back of my throat (which I swollowed in fright).
    I think its because my tummy was in shock since it was the first time in days that I'd eaten.
    Damn that fat faerie. Atleast our bodies are on our side for once right?

  12. Haha I loved this post, the content is bad bad for you, but your wording is hilarious. That fairy sounds more like a witch! Curse her! Actually though stomp on her and snap her wand. She's a bitch :P

  13. god i love your blog.
    LOL @ this whole sarcastic post.
    "the fairies" really got my laughing.

  14. Chewy ass....BAHAHAhahaha......

  15. i fucking love you

    & your fairy picture is fantastic

    also - your blog is not doomed either way, I hope you get laid & I get to hear about your killer sex life. I miss posting about the 'best sex ever' on my blog - I really need to ramp up my bedroom life...

    It's like this one ballet I saw where all the fairies werenice and skinnie and pastel-y, and then the one who makes Sleeping Beauty fall asleep for 100 yrs is like this ol' hag with just a bunch of fucking hair on her face and probably like a triple chin. What a bag o' lard.

    re: dick desires...Sex toys perhaps? I hear chocolate is a great libid---SHIT! No! Ignore that!
    Celery is like the most sexy food ever.
    xxxooo Eva

  17. Oh Lord...I just started reading your blog and can I say, " You Rock My Socks!" Chewy Bums are always fun and all the tidbits that are'll get your bum to chew!
    Fuck the Fat fairy...Can't you just make her light go out by telling her you don't believe in her?'s Tinkerbell...try it anyway...we can all go to her will be smashing! Loves to you!

  18. Thanks for following me! I just read you blog from the beginning and you literally made me laugh like a hundred work! I had to do that soft church/class laugh at my desk so I wouldn't get caught. Damn, you're funny as shit.

    Also, I saw your pics and your fucking beautiful!

    Much Love...!

  19. hahaha! loved this post.
    hope you get better soon though =)

  20. Haha... Fucking adore you.

    (Foul enough language hasn't been invented yet to delineate accurately my love for you, Zen, and you know this. Perhaps someday, someone will achieve such a feat, but I can almost guarantee you she will not be of the human race. A goddess, most assuredly.)

    A picture of his bum? Ha!!!! OMG, a pretending-to-text picture? THAT wouldn't be awkward at all. I can see it now. We're just in the big middle of doin' the nasty and I whip out my phone to TEXT my friend Zen because I simply MUST tell her all about... ummm... the most important... ummm... CLICK!!! Oops! Forgot to turn the volume down! Damn camera sound effect! Shit! ;)

    You know I love older guys, right? Or, I used to. I mean, now I just love THIS older guy. And he's 41. About to be 42. You might not enjoy HIS "chewy" ass. :P

    Speaking of which, he's expressed his express desire to "kiss and lick and touch and kiss again" every single last inch of me... literally... when he gets back. While that sounds delicious and all... for girls like us with as many body hang-ups as there are inches on our bodies... YEAH. It's also a little daunting. JESUS. I'm just looking at all of my stretch marks and unwanted little hairs in places I can't even reach and callouses on my feet because I can't afford a pedicure right now and thinking, wow... Yes. He WILL be kissing all of those.

    Good thing he FUCKING LOVES ME beyond all measure.

    He does. :D

    Ah, I wish you lived here.

    NO. Wait.

    I wish he and I lived there.

    No. Let's just meet up for coffee sometime.


    I should go now. I've got some housecleaning and starving to do.

    <3 <3 <3 xoxoxoxoxoxo times infinity.


    GAWD, I missed your guts.


    I just wrote you the most amazingly hilariously wonderfully loooooong (did I mention FUCKING hilarious?) comment here...


    and it fucking lost it.

    Google lost it.


    Damn it!

    Oh my god.

    I am pissed.

    There's no fucking possible way I can remember everything I just wrote.

    It was like poetry in the sense that it was so wonderfully prettily spontaneous that it will never be written the same way again.

    Fuck it.

    I love you.



    I'll have to email you sometime soon.

    Infinity times love for now.



    Smoochy sexy kisses.


    Missed your schmexy guts.

  22. Aww thank you! *hugs* Lol, Angelina Jolie really isn't all that shit hot any more. I liked her in tomb raider, abut after that not so much!

    Ooooh, post pics of your new one? That way I won't feel like such a solo-Book-slut :p


  23. don't get me started on that fucking fairy.

    yummy man?
    yes please.

  24. hey zen! lost 10 lbs? really? that is so freaking amazing!!! i should be ashamed of myself. i'm a little confused about my lipo cos the swallowing is all gone but i gained more.... i'm not sure what's going on. well, in any case... it's great that u are keeping up with your blog! i might stay underwater for a bit longer... maybe a month more... i really need to get my sht straight :) ur blog's always funny, makes me laugh. thanks :) /xo

  25. POOP! About all laxatives do in make you lose water and minerals. When you lose minerals you will get cravings.

    Caca, Brown trout in the brownie bowl, turds, butt snake,

    Enema = a goose with a gush.

    Feather enema will tickle the shit out of you.

    Italian word for enema is in u end o.

    On Bigger Fatter Blog we are discussing the tapeworm diet. One of our feeders, Coach Gains, is pictured with a big nasty tape worm that he fished out of a nasty fat girl's nasty butt. He then breaded it and deep fried it and told the fat girl it was calamari and she ate it and loved every bite.... True story! ;-)

  26. I'm your two-tenth follower :)


Use foul language if you love me...