Fairy Poop

I haven't eaten in forever. So now the evil little fat-fairy has begun stalking me. She basically takes a shit and food drops in front of you... like magic.

At a cafe my best friend drops part of her sandwich onto the table in front of me. Claiming she cannot possibly eat the whole thing herself. Uh, no thanks. I do not eat food right off of a dirty table. Gross.

Screw it, I ate it anyways.

Then, that night, I was startled awake by a mouth full of vomit. I was confused so I fucking swallowed it (don't worry, it wasn't lumpy).

In the morning I woke up feeling so shitty. And I had the worst migraine of my life.

I am NEVER eating again. Fucking ever!

While other fairies spread their sweet fairy dust around... that evil bitch is spreading her FECES.  
Then tricking poor hungry girls into EATING it!

I know, drama queen much? Yep. I HATE BEING SICK!!! Unless I've just had a crazy wild x-rated evening, I do NOT want to wake up feeling hungover.

Mmm, I wish I had a yummy guy to cuddle up with. Sex is better than food anyways. Yup, even NOW I'm gonna complain about my lack of sex life.

Hey, just wait until I finally do bag a man! Every post will be about how great my sex life is. "blah blah... his chewy ass..."

Either way this blog is doomed.

xoxo,

zen

Dick Speak

My stomach shriveled up after the 3 day baby food cleanse. I wasn't hungry, so I didn't eat for the next week. Despite the fact that I went out for drinks on girls night, I am still calling this a fast. 

I lost a total of 10lbs, gained back 2lbs post fast (it's really just pre-poo) Total loss = 8lbs Woot!!

Unfortunately I only seem to be capable of talking about ONE thing when drinking on an empty stomach. Can you guess what it is??

PENIS
It doesn't seem to have anything to do with simply being drunk though. I can become completely wasted and still have a great cock-free conversation, as long as I have food in my tummy.

As I told you in another post, I spent one fun evening eating and getting drunk with a homeless man. And I can assure you, I did not bring up the subject of his penis even once.

But give me a couple beers on a fasting tummy and all that comes out of my mouth is dick speak.

So a couple drinks (during this fast) led to the usual flirting, then asking a boy about his penis size, challenging him to prove it by whipping it out RIGHT there, and eventually mocking him for being too much of a pussy to do it.

Needless to say, I did not get laid that night. Hmmm. Perhaps I should reevaluate my approach?

Ah, well... despite my wicked ways, the scale goddess saw fit to FINALLY bless me with 120 pounds. Next goal is 110 baby!

Oh, and my ultimate goal is to finally have sex again before it just doesn't fucking matter anymore how thin I am.

Hey! It's the Penis Song!

xoxo, zen

Peanut Butter Jelly Time

I don't usually talk about food on my blog. I just find it to be too triggering.

Some of you do.. no problem, I can skim over it. I have no fucking clue as to what you eat, especially when I am fasting.

So be warned...
I am about to talk about why I want to kill Mr Peanut.

Last night I was craving a pb&j sandwich. 2 to be exact. They were monsters. I mean HUGE. I loaded those suckers up with an inch of peanut butter and some raspberry jam.

I became sick half way through the second one. So decided, in my infinite wisdom, it was probably a good time to go to bed. Oh, and did I mention, I had no water to wash those gooey suckers down?

I had a dream I was vomiting. How odd, right? A hot sexy boy was soothing my face with a cool damp cloth. It didn't help. Urp.
I woke up with vomit in my mouth. Gulp.
And a lump of mashed up peanut butter and bread in my throat. I tried swallowing to push that sucker back down. It was choking me. Bleh.

When I sat up, I realized I was all clammy and dizzy.
This turned into a long night of fighting off the vomits. I was afraid to let that fucker come all the way up.

This morning I am still nauseous. My mouth keeps watering like I need to puke. But for some stupid reason I am terrified of that ball of peanut butter inside me. I imagine it is absorbing all the liquids I drink and growing into a massive pile of sticky dough.

Ugh and I am fasting today too... with a peanut butter blob still sitting in an undigested lump in the bottom of my stomach.

Suffice to say, I am NEVER eating pb&j again. EVER again. Yet another food item I have completely ruined for life.

Ack, these rotten tasting peanut butter burps are giving me a headache.

xoxo zen

Post Fast FAIL

I was little miss "snooty pants" after losing so much weight on my fast. Thought I was hot shit. Pffft.
 

Yesterday we got together with some friends for lunch. They made a bunch of vegetarian food for my sisters and I. It was so sweet of them. Assholes.

My eyes rolled back in my head like a shark as I took a bite into a scrumptious veggie burger. It was orgasmic. Had 3 more orgasms after that.

One of my sisters caught me the kitchen stuffing even more food in my mouth. She just stared at me with a bemused look on her face. "What?!" I asked, trying to act all nonchalant.

This morning, I ballooned up 3 fucking pounds!

I promptly removed those veggie chefs from my friends list on Facebook, no more luncheon invites from them. 

I gotta poop! Tonight, I am sending all these turd babies to laxie hell. Problem solved. 

Okay, taking my "snooty pants" off now.

xoxo zen

3 Day Fast WIN

Start weight 136

Finish weight 128

-8lbs 

I shit you not!!

Well, maybe I did lean to the left a bit, but it still counts. My scale can only be manipulated a couple oz. Now if it went down a pound, THAT would be cheating.

And keep in mind, I'm on Topa. So I have a considerable advantage when I do not put food in my mouth.

Ever notice how much those empty fat cells like to jiggle? Those bastards really like to stick around, waiting to be filled up again after the famine is over.

I do love how my jeans become baggy after a quick drop in weight. But it sucks that my ass becomes baggy too.

It was all good until last night, my sister cooked up something that shall remain nameless. The mouthwatering smell woke something EVIL inside me.

I was, um strong?
NO. I wanted to kill something... really hard, fatally, to DEATH.
I snapped at everyone and everything around me, like a rabid chihuahua.

I guess I was hungry.

Compared to previous fasts though, this one was pretty tame.

Much luv,

xoxo zen