Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I Dream of Being a Fat Ass

For the past few weeks I have been having "FAT" dreams.

I'm always NAKED too. It's ridiculous.

I'll get so enormous I cannot squeeze through doorways or fit into cars. I'm this butt-ass naked person running frantically around, trying like hell to find somewhere to hide.

And I usually have to pee.

I can never seem to find anything to cover up with. There are no fucking clothes anywhere. So I hold my hands over my boobs and vajajay. A lot of good that does with an enormous booty bouncing around as I run.

What pisses me off is that I am becoming seriously deprived of my sex dreams. Even if I hide under the covers, I can't get away with pouncing on a hot dude without him noticing my blubber oozing all over the place. Fucking imaginary guys are turned off by me!

Stupid subconscious. Ruining the only chance I have to get properly laid.

xoxo zen

Friday, June 18, 2010

Sexy and Shriveling

Took my teen sister to her doctor for a checkup. 
The nurse said she was 5'7" tall. 
HUH? Wait a minute... lets try that again, must be a mistake.
She measured again. Yes, my sister is definitely 5'7".

I have always been 5'7" and she's already towering over me.
I said, um, can you measure me then? Cause I'm confused.
I lost an inch of height?! LOL. Whaaat?

Numbers raced through my head. So I am FATTER! Now my goal weight has to be 5lbs lower? Or 10lbs? Oh god, no no, I have to be an inch taller, I need it!

I wanted the nurse to help me understand what just happened. But for some reason she seemed unfazed by my nervous breakdown. It was like she had something better to do.

I sat through my sisters exam... nodding my head and pretending to care (cause I am such a selfless person), all the while thinking about how I need to hurry home and recalculate my BMI.

Afterwords her doctor asked if I had any questions. 

I jumped up. Ooh yeah! She is clearly taller than me right? I have always been 5'7", and she just measured at 5'7", but now I am suddenly 5'6". How is that possible?

He chuckled and said not to worry, it just happens as we become older.


But I'm only in my 20's.

Welcome to the geriatric shrinking club zen.

Wet granny kisses,

Oh, btw her drug test was negatory! Good girl. I told you I am a strict hypocrite.

EDIT: I calculated my new goal weight based on shrinkage... 103lbs.
So that means I am now 7lbs fatter.

Wednesday, June 02, 2010


Been pretty bummed since the ridiculous demise of Lost. A toddler could have conceived a better ending plot.

Six years, SIX fucking years I watched that show. And BLAM... the fuck-tards kill them all off. Leave my la la land intact why don't you?! Now every time I try to fantasize about one of those sexy (dead) island dudes, I get depressed.

If Alice were here she'd agree, but she's not, so I'll speak for her. The Lost series finale sucked ASS! And she'd also say that Damon Salvatore and I would make beautiful babies together.
Right Alice? Bow chicka bow wow.

Girls night out was a blast as usual. Drinking, flirting... my best friend made out with a hot blue-eyed boy.

And I made friends with a bum. His name was Larry.

Another homeless man, was trying to chase Larry away on his bicycle. That dude was trying like hell to run Larry over. I guess there was some kind of hobo turf war going on.

So I invited him to sit with us at our patio table. We enjoyed a few drinks and some grub. Larry was a bit odd, naturally, but very nice. And he didn't smell that bad at all. Why the fuck do I mention things like that? It's like saying I was sitting there sniffing him.

My mother always did call me a bum magnet. She'd be so proud.

Ahhh this commercial always gave me chills...

xoxo zen