Big Fat Update?

Nope, just the short version... I've moved into a new place, been arrested, had sex a couple times (not in jail), quit my job, gained like 20 pounds and finally started exercising again, phew!

It's all good.

I will definitely have to elaborate later on. 

For now, here's a picture of a fat squirrel... 

LOVE YOU MUCH GUYS!!

xoxoxoxo,

zen

Fire Starter

I love the yummy smell of wood burning in the morning. 

As I walked baby to school, we discovered a small fire in the foliage by a tree. Someone probably dropped a cig while driving by. 

I told her to stay there while I went and kicked some dirt over it. No prob...  or so I thought.

She was terrified. Why did you do that?! It could have exploded!

I tried to explain that it was just embers. Not a fire. That I just smothered it. "Smother?"  Like stamped it out. "What?" Stomped on it, killed it, dead, no more fire.

 "Was it yellow?"

We continued walking. In the back ground I heard sirens, I smiled at the irony.

Was not funny when they came closer and started circling the area. OMG they are looking for a fucking brush fire. 

"See? You shouldn't have done that with the fire. You could have gotten hurt. It was bad to ...blah blah blah..."

Eyebrows were raising.

She made it sound like I fricken started the fire. I kept trying to explain that everything was ok. But she wouldn't shut the fuck up. So I snapped "WILL YOU STOP IT?!"

Right in front of sexy tattoo'd FILF. Yup.

I smiled like a cheshire cat. Not only am I a pyromaniac, but I am bad mommy potential as well.

Shit.

On the bright side, it could have been worse... atleast I didn't smack her upside the head.

xoxo,
zen

Love is in the air... and it smells funky

Baby, age 5, has now had her first kiss. Says he tastes like bacon. So she and bacon-lips are getting married when she grows up. She sees no reason to search any further, he is the ONE.

Teen sister has found a guy that can tame her wild ways. She is not out flirting, teasing and ripping boys little hearts out these days. This is the lucky one who made her finally decide to get on birth control (hint hint). Gross.

Best friend has a new guy in her life, thus marathon sex and NO time for a social life. When she is in a new relationship it is like she disappears off the face of the earth. I would have to go over there and pull that penis out of her to get some quality girl time.

Being in love is so retarded.

Am I am the only one who see's the insanity in it all? They'll come to their senses eventually. And when they do, I'll be sitting right here. Waiting for them. Alone.

 

By the way... I MISSED YOU GUYS!
If I post a tard comment on your blog, it's just because I have no idea what you're talking about. I've still got so much gossip to catch up on.

Many xoxo's,

zen

Posting while drinking

Sober zen is ok but...drunk zen is awesome!

Why cant I just be buzzed all the time? It is so much more fun.
Sure, I drive a bit more sloppy.
But for the most part, my day goes very smooth.

WTF is up with sobriety? It's stupid.

(zen just had 4 margaritas)
xoxo

They aren't even old enough to lick butts yet.

Today baby had a few of her little friends over to play.

I was walking by and stopped outside her door to listen for a bit cause they were giggling so fricken adorably.

Apparently she made up a game called "potty-time".
When asked what time it is, you have to answer with dirty words.

Here are a few of the creative answers I heard...
it's poop o'clock
it's pee o'clock
it's weenerstomper o'clock (wow, not sure what time that is)
it's lickerbutt o'clock (liquor butt... or... lick her butt?)
it's buttmonkey o'clock (ha)
it's pootylickbuttassboogerfuckshiteater o'clock (ok game over kiddies)
 
Can ya guess which ones I heard come from the mouth of  innocent little baby? 
Hint... every one she made up had the word "lick" in it.

I don't know where the fuck she gets this shit from.

Cute game though.


For those concerned about my "parenting" skills, I do punish her whenever she calls me a fat ass. 

xoxo,

zen

Cheer Boys, and Fat Dogs

My sister has been dating a jealous controlling verbally abusive shit-brained football player. I kept finding reasons to ground her so she couldn't be alone with him. I warned him that if he hurt my sister, I could make his death look like an accident. 

Last week she finally dumped him for a HOT guy on her varsity cheerleading team.  Her ex isn't even jealous because he assumes this new dude is a "fag". Whatever makes you feel better, fucking idiot.

Cheer boy is coming over to watch a "Bring It On" movie marathon with her Friday night (yeah, those movies are a bit gay). He asked her if I would get pissed if he kissed her. She told him I was like ceiling cat... even if they didn't see me in the room, as soon as he touched her, I would drop down like a ninja.

Ha. Good girl.

Our dog is lovingly referred to as Assface now. Although she no longer chews her butt, the tarnished image remains. Sorry babe, it's like a Highschool rep... you will NEVER live it down.

Dog's and their owners really do reflect each other though. No, I cannot chew my own ass. Although it would be interesting to be that flexible... anyways... I always admire those people with fluffy little dogs that probably lose 3/4 of their mass when wet.

Ours is short, stocky, and meaty. I feel fat when walking her. I want to hurry up and get indoors before anyone see's us. Poor Assface. My ana mindset extends to the dog now.

xoxo

zen

It's My Birthday

And I'm am about to get properly drunk!

The present I'm hoping for is a well-hung boy. Fingers crossed, OK?

Much luv,

zen

Vampire Diaries

This show, despite its TV-PG content cheesiness, has gotten me pretty hooked.

These boys want her so badly. I just wish they could actually get it on. Strattle them both already girl!

Btw... If this were lala land, Damon is mine. And he's nekkid.

Not even the best vibrator can accomplish what those boys are doing right now in my imagination. 

Fuck I need to get laid.

xoxo, 

zen

Miss Funny Pants

My sister appreciates my sense of humor. Cause she rocks. But her little friends just stare at me like I am stupid.

It was rainy today when I picked her up from school. She had a group of teenagers huddled around hoping for a ride. I'm so cool. I began joking with them as soon as they got in the car.
Uh, nobody laughed. Whatever.

So, I was driving along acting crazy. I was quite funny. Cracking myself up. Being my usual self... which is REALLY fucking hilarious, ya know?
Uh, NO, they REALLY didn't think so.

"She is kidding, she is only kidding, zen they think you are serious, you are scaring them".

What the fuck?

I wasn't really going to run over that old man.. I only hit the gas for a second. Geeze!

My sister say's I am alot funnier in writing than I am in person. Whew...  I'll definitely take that as a compliment.

xoxo zen

*EDIT: Uh, you guys keep saying "hit and run". I was only gonna plow him over, I never said I would just keep on driving! 
Gah, what kind of sick people are you?!
As for the point system... he was moving pretty slow, so I think it would only merit a 10.

Fugly Motivation

My ex-boyfriend (dickwad) has a girlfriend that loves to glare at me. It is her favorite hobby. And I love to watch her do it. It makes me happy. 

My friends and I were at a coffee shop yesterday when dickwad walked in with grumpy. She glanced over at our table and promptly drew her face into a scowl. 

How cute.

The more she pouts, the more humorous it becomes. I just smile at her sweetly. I really look forward to these encounters.

Perhaps I should be flattered. Am I really that intimidating? I'm realizing it can be motivation to lose more weight... I can actually give her a GOOD reason to frown. I fucking love it!

Weight  / Treat

130   Sexy heels to make grumpy jealous

125   Hot makeup to make grumpy jealous

120   Risqué outfit to make grumpy jealous

115   Wicked tattoo to make grumpy jealous

110   Sensuous haircut to make grumpy jealous

Much luv,

xoxo zen

P.S. Thank you SO much for all the loving comments in my last post. It felt wonderful to receive such kindness when I needed it most. You guys are truly beyond amazing!! xoxoxoxoxoxo!!!

Drunkorexia

Well, as I slept, those extra 2lbs snuck out like a slutty one night stand.
The next day I fasted like a good girl.

Plus I found some rice-wine in my fridge so I decided to allow myself one cup as a reward... mmm it was so nice and warm in my tummy.

Unfortunately drinking sake on an empty stomach leads to typing shit like this...

----------------------

Plan:

Sun - sake fast

Mon - sake fast

Tue - sake fast

Wed - sake fast

Thu - sake fast

Fri - sake fast

Sat - sake fast

----------------------

I think I'll make a few adjustments to that now that I'm a bit more clear headed.

I'm feeling a bit low on my curse word count today, so take it from here Sue Simmons...

Much luv girlies,

xoxo zen

Bingey Bingey

//Begin Pity Party//

Notice how much I post when I have good stuff to report?

I've been away.

Have been eating crapola. Whatever junk food the girls brought/bring into the apt. Is all gone now.

"Where is the last éclair?" Sister asks stupid question. 

No answer.

"Where is the last chocolate éclair?!" She's blond btw.

No answer.

"Why wont you answer me?!!"

"SHHHH! I'm watching this!" I point to tv.. then brush finger across lips to wipe away any evidence.

"I just want to know where the éclair is!"  

It started off slowly... then slid into binge mode(ish). I'd eat a bit, let it digest, then eat again... NON-STOP. What made it even more pathetic, is food still tastes bland. There was no oral satisfaction, just a mental one.

The only reasons I can think that I was slipping, or trying to slip, back into this habit are...

1. No sex life (vibrator doesn't count).

2. Lost 20lbs but NOBODY noticed. 

3. Holiday... ? I know. I am grasping here.

4. Uhhhhh.

Ok, so there you have it. Heartbreaking, eh?
I KNOW... you "understand how I feel",  "are sorry it is so rough for me right now", "really hope it gets better"... sigh... I hope I get laid soon too.

I hid in my fatcave, afraid to weigh myself for about a week. Finally decided to assess the damage yesterday.

I had this picture all ready for this post, as an example of myself in all my puffy, bloated, freakish glory.

I GAINED 2 FUCKING POUNDS!

Are you shitting me Topa? Are ya laughing behind my back? I was so depressed thinking my clothing was becoming tighter and my body a bit more jiggly. Absolutely sure I had rebounded atleast 10lbs, nearly half my initial loss.

Lo and behold only 2 weensie lbs. Harhar. Joke's on me. 

Today I fast. Those 2lbs go bye-bye.

//End Pity Party//

xoxo zen

Lala Land

My girlie P.D. was talking about her first love. It was (and still is) intense. I have yet to experience that particular type of insanity.

The only long-term relationship I ever had lasted about a year. I liked him for the first couple months, then HATED  him the remaining 10 months. After that I rarely dated anymore, mostly just used guys for sex (they didn't mind).

I have special standards.

Anybody watch Lost? I am addicted to Lost, can't believe this is the last season.

My latest fantasy is Martin Keamy (the mercenary from Lost)... he likes to play rough *wink wink*. OK he is actually a TV character, but we have a great life together in lala land. Maybe that's why I've never been in love, all the boys I truly want are imaginary.

Sadly real men just don't cut it. A guy may have that sexy rouge-esq-ness about him, but then as he confidently walks over to flirt, I look down in horror at his ...  flip flops, mercenaries don't wear flip flops!

Much luvs,

xoxo zen

I was bad, and I liked it

I ate more than usual yesterday. Something snapped. Well more like succumbed, happily obliged, submitted? Eh, that just sounds slutty. I didn't feverishly stuff my face, I simply ate and got sum pleasure out of it, rawr. wink wink.

So I had a croissant in the morning. And a tofurky sandwich for brunch. Then was craving pancakes for dinner, but we were all out of syrup, whew, disaster averted.

Couldn't drink the "ass" beer though. Fuck! Maybe someday they will come out with an "ass-lite".

Felt a slight twinge of guilt cause I am still a fat as hell. Since I haven't really eaten in over a month, I figured I'd avoid the scale today. Forgive(ish) and forget(ish). But I still feel guilty, otherwise I wouldn't be sitting here at my internet confessional.

Oh, and had my first real poo in a month too. So I guess this binge went straight through me. That's good, right? For some reason? Gotta be something good about that? Somehow? Whatever.

xoxo,

zen

EDIT...
I decided to hop on the scale.
Did not gain an ounce.
Fucking awesome.
Oh topa, you havn't failed me yet, smooches.

le pooch

She arrived yesterday... we took her with us for a huge puppy-supply shopping spree.  

Last night she slept on me, ON me. I couldn't even roll over. I had a 5 ton unconscious fur-ball on my legs.

She snores like an old man.

She barks at everything. Today we watched "cats and dogs" with her (yes, she watches TV). It has barking dogs in it, she went bonkers.

She sounds congested, like she's constantly growling. Her snorts make us laugh, especially when it is accompanied by a spray of spittle.

We cannot WAIT to paint her toe nails!

We are absolutely in love with our Rosie Hat and her wet kisses.

xoxo,

zen

BOOO YA

Fasting is getting a bit easier.

But I was really craving pasta last night. So I did the hunger test.

I thought ,"Just have one of those 100 cal health bars instead"... 

"Nope", my tummy said, "bleh, I only want pasta"...  

"Then it is not true hunger", I scolded, "just a mental craving, stupid."  

Cool, another zero calorie day.

This morning I got on the scale, leeeaaaned to the left just a smidge, it locked onto 133 and voilà... I hit my half-way mark!! 20 fucking pounds!!! I lost TWENTY pounds in one month!!

[insert retarded naked dancing here]

Then I got dressed, pooped, and wondered if I was actually 133 without the leeeaaan?

Probably. Whatever, no time for that.

I hurdled myself over the furniture toward my computer to tell you guys the good news. Who else would give a shit that I've starved myself so well??

Ahhh... now if I could only see it. Maybe my mirror is not working right. Time to go shopping for a new one.

xoxo zen

I cheat on my digital scale

Digital scales are so fun to manipulate. You get on and leeeaaan to the left a bit, just right, get that extra two ounce drop, careful not to make it go UP. Or if that doesn't work, you go pee. If you feel a bit of gurgle or gas, you wait, knowing you may shit your way down to the desired morning weight. Then voilà. You accomplish your goal. PRIDE ensues.

Today was not one of those days. I did lose a pound which was GREAT. But was only 2oz from next pound down! So, I got greedy. Did the leeeaaan, no good, took a pee, no good, made some poo, no good. Fuck it. Atleast, that means tomorrow I will be down atleast another pound if not two!!

My secret... aside from manipulating my scale? Not eating. I have water and 400mg Topa daily. I discovered that if I take my pills later in the day the appetite suppressant effect lasts longer. So now I can stay up waaay past my bedtime without worrying about binging.

I do however occasionally treat myself to a 210 cal Hershey chocolate bar. Not because I am hungry, but because it is the only thing in the entire world that actually does not taste like ass/dirt. I know it's junk, but chocolate makes me sooo happy.

Yesterday I bought these health bars (chocolate covered of course). They have protein, fiber, and vitamins. And they are only 100 cals... which is half the cals of those candy bars. So I think I'm gonna have those instead.

Oooohhh... tummy burn means I need more water. Topa makes me drink TONS. My sister asked me why the fuck we are going through 2 rolls of toilette paper a day. I just blamed it on the little one. Heh, toddlers. Always using too much, ya know? Geesh.

xoxo zen

Rosie Hat

I barricaded myself in the apartment this weekend. Told my sisters not to call me unless grandmas hair was on fire. 

One afternoon one of the neighbors were being noisy, so I peeked out the window to spy on them. They were sitting on their balcony with their dirty little groupies, strumming their guitars, with there eyes closed and brows drawn. It's hilarious how seriously they take themselves. dorks. 

Turns out one reason I had been so depressed was because of PMS. So I had a fleeting affair with a Hershey bar. It was lovely while it lasted. Had no other food though, just drank tons of water all weekend. I lost 3lbs. 

Anti-social behavior is actually very therapeutic. I slept so much this weekend, I have tons of energy now. I'm like a squirrel on crack. 

I missed my sisters alot. Well, mostly the baby. She is so sweet and cuddly, I can't stop kissing her widdle face. 

The girls and I are getting a puppy! She is a pug. We will call her "Rosie Hat". My baby sister got to name her. We pick her up this weekend, so I'll post a picture as soon as we bring her home. I am sure the girls will have bought a bazillion pink clothes and shoes for her by then.

Glad to be back online! Gotta catch up on everyone's blogs today.

xoxo much luvs,

zen

Fizzy bite... My ass!

The last couple days I have eaten 3 - 4 very fatty meals. That is a lot compared to my one meal per day plan. Am feeling an uncomfortable load in my gut. My fingers and face were puffy this morning. I literally expected to look emaciated after losing half my body weight in diarrhea.

Yesterday was the worst. We had been doing some vigorous shopping and I actually ordered a COKE. I really really really miss the fizzy bite that it has. And although Topamax makes everything taste weird, it focuses the bulk of its anti-food power on soda. But still, I thought, just maybe, maaaaybe it would taste good just one more time. Pretty please?!

Nope... dirt.

Someone rinsed their ass, added some dirt, then poured it into my cup. 

In order to salvage the remnants of my sanity.... *snort* who the fuck am I trying to fool? I am not going to weigh myself until Saturday. That gives me a few days to get back on track. 

The last time I weighed in, I was one pound away from my next goal. ONE pound. Sometimes I wonder if it is self sabotage. So close. Oh shit, tomorrow is girls night out. That means alcohol. Moan. I like alcohol. Maybe I'll enjoy it even more on an empty stomach? >evil smile<.

Some-fricken-how, the last time I had a cheat meal, I still lost 3lbs! This has been two days worth of cheat meals, so I am certainly not expecting that sort of miracle. I'm really just hoping not to see any depressing weight gain. I guess even that would still be considered a miracle, eh?

Much luvs to you girlies.

xoxo zen

Assexplosion

You know what was really funny?
Taking a shitload of laxies one night.Then going to a friends house the next morning and hanging out with his family. I sharted right there, in the kitchen. Oh god. What to do? I sauntered off to the bathroom. Did anyone notice? Did anyone hear that? My ass is NEVER subtle. Is there a humongous stain on the back of my skirt?

That shouldn't have been too noticeable, I thought. Especially since the brown splat was the size of a SAUCER on a LIGHT color skirt.

And my friend is a tall guy, so he certainly couldn't loan me anything fresh to wear. I was half naked,  trying to wash the shit out of my clothes. I made the bathroom smell like ass, I smelled like ass. 

My cell was in the other room, or maybe I left it in the car. No one had come to check on me, and even if they had, they would notice the rancid smell emanating all they way down the hall.
Heh, yeah, that was really funny.  ha fricken ha.

Did you notice that some laxies have dosages for children? Fucking scary. Here baby, you are looking a bit chubby today, lets get you flushed out. Kids should just stick to the lighter stuff, you know, baby laxatives.

I have always taken 2 pills. Well that just wasn't cutting it anymore. They were producing less and less action in the morning. I need to get more action, if you catch my drift... wink wink.

After reading about others taking as many as one whole sleeve of laxies, I was like wow, I can do that too!

Uh, no. Bad idea. I am such a turd.

xoxo zen