Oh F*ck Me - PREMATURE AGING!

I am getting grey hair.... NO correction, they are white! I pluck them daily, but that just seems to piss them off and they grow back faster. Plus they are multiplying at an incredible rate.

I know people joke about raising kids giving you grey hair. 

But SERIOUSLY?!

I'm raising my sister and baby, so they are TWICE as irritating as normal children.

What is next? Menopause?! Been having horrible cramps this month... that's probably how it starts.

Fuck it - I don't care if my uterus falls out. I just wanna look young again!

Wrinkles, I've noticed wrinkles too! Oh. My. God. If my teen sister has a kid, I will look like it's grandma! That slut better be using condoms!

Love you ladies... stay youthful, kay?

xoxo,

zen

Fire Starter

I love the yummy smell of wood burning in the morning. 

As I walked baby to school, we discovered a small fire in the foliage by a tree. Someone probably dropped a cig while driving by. 

I told her to stay there while I went and kicked some dirt over it. No prob...  or so I thought.

She was terrified. Why did you do that?! It could have exploded!

I tried to explain that it was just embers. Not a fire. That I just smothered it. "Smother?"  Like stamped it out. "What?" Stomped on it, killed it, dead, no more fire.

 "Was it yellow?"

We continued walking. In the back ground I heard sirens, I smiled at the irony.

Was not funny when they came closer and started circling the area. OMG they are looking for a fucking brush fire. 

"See? You shouldn't have done that with the fire. You could have gotten hurt. It was bad to ...blah blah blah..."

Eyebrows were raising.

She made it sound like I fricken started the fire. I kept trying to explain that everything was ok. But she wouldn't shut the fuck up. So I snapped "WILL YOU STOP IT?!"

Right in front of sexy tattoo'd FILF. Yup.

I smiled like a cheshire cat. Not only am I a pyromaniac, but I am bad mommy potential as well.

Shit.

On the bright side, it could have been worse... atleast I didn't smack her upside the head.

xoxo,
zen

Love is in the air... and it smells funky

Baby, age 5, has now had her first kiss. Says he tastes like bacon. So she and bacon-lips are getting married when she grows up. She sees no reason to search any further, he is the ONE.

Teen sister has found a guy that can tame her wild ways. She is not out flirting, teasing and ripping boys little hearts out these days. This is the lucky one who made her finally decide to get on birth control (hint hint). Gross.

Best friend has a new guy in her life, thus marathon sex and NO time for a social life. When she is in a new relationship it is like she disappears off the face of the earth. I would have to go over there and pull that penis out of her to get some quality girl time.

Being in love is so retarded.

Am I am the only one who see's the insanity in it all? They'll come to their senses eventually. And when they do, I'll be sitting right here. Waiting for them. Alone.

 

By the way... I MISSED YOU GUYS!
If I post a tard comment on your blog, it's just because I have no idea what you're talking about. I've still got so much gossip to catch up on.

Many xoxo's,

zen

Fairy Poop

I haven't eaten in forever. So now the evil little fat-fairy has begun stalking me. She basically takes a shit and food drops in front of you... like magic.

At a cafe my best friend drops part of her sandwich onto the table in front of me. Claiming she cannot possibly eat the whole thing herself. Uh, no thanks. I do not eat food right off of a dirty table. Gross.

Screw it, I ate it anyways.

Then, that night, I was startled awake by a mouth full of vomit. I was confused so I fucking swallowed it (don't worry, it wasn't lumpy).

In the morning I woke up feeling so shitty. And I had the worst migraine of my life.

I am NEVER eating again. Fucking ever!

While other fairies spread their sweet fairy dust around... that evil bitch is spreading her FECES.  
Then tricking poor hungry girls into EATING it!

I know, drama queen much? Yep. I HATE BEING SICK!!! Unless I've just had a crazy wild x-rated evening, I do NOT want to wake up feeling hungover.

Mmm, I wish I had a yummy guy to cuddle up with. Sex is better than food anyways. Yup, even NOW I'm gonna complain about my lack of sex life.

Hey, just wait until I finally do bag a man! Every post will be about how great my sex life is. "blah blah... his chewy ass..."

Either way this blog is doomed.

xoxo,

zen

Got Fleas

Rosie Hat is disgusting. 

She has fleas. Apparently she is just too retarded to handle it.

I have sprayed the floors, bathed the dog, put that gel stuff on her back...

REtreated the apartment, REbathed the dog, put more of that gel on her back (about 4 times now). 

Yet she still chews her ass. Constantly. Feverishly. NONstop. 

She is a pug and unfortunately she has the issue of snorting snoring spitting spraying and slobbering. When she chews on her ass, it sounds wet and sloppy like she is eating a big piece of raw meat.
I want to kick her. 

She sits at my feet to chew her ass. She sits on the couch to chew her ass. She sits on my pillow to chew her ass. I have to turn on the radio to sleep because her ass-chewing is so loud. 

I no longer look at her cute ears bouncing along as she trots around the house. I look at her butt hole. Yes. I only see a walking ass... the nasty ass that she chews on 24 hours a day. I don't want a dog anymore.

Oh and I've been eating, NONstop, like a fucking cow. It's Rosie's fault.

xoxo zen

johnstonbee, I'll reply to your tag questions next post...been thinking of fun answers for ya.

Butt Plugs

Ok so sorry I haven't been posting daily like usual, constant state of  brain fart. Being a guardian is exhausting.

These brats have knocked my system out of whack. Now I feel jet lagged all the time. Like I am constantly in another time zone from them, and they completely take advantage of it. 

"Did you just take that money out of my purse?!"... "Huh uh no you gave it to me yesterday." Yesterday for ME, was 5 minutes ago for HER, as she slipped her little fingers into my purse without asking. Little shit.

It's probably how moms feel. I've just gotta grow some balls and adjust. Or have myself committed. They don't have alcohol in loony bins, but I bet they do have kick-ass drugs.

So, I have been using Dulcolax as my choice of laxies.  It's funny though, because they really like to brag about how powerful they are... thus my assexplosions and expensive pantie budget.

Well, here is a guide based on your dosage 1, 2 or 3 tablets... eg (light, med, or heavy flow) to avoid accidents in public.

Viola! No more sharting! 

xoxo zen

Rosie Hat

I barricaded myself in the apartment this weekend. Told my sisters not to call me unless grandmas hair was on fire. 

One afternoon one of the neighbors were being noisy, so I peeked out the window to spy on them. They were sitting on their balcony with their dirty little groupies, strumming their guitars, with there eyes closed and brows drawn. It's hilarious how seriously they take themselves. dorks. 

Turns out one reason I had been so depressed was because of PMS. So I had a fleeting affair with a Hershey bar. It was lovely while it lasted. Had no other food though, just drank tons of water all weekend. I lost 3lbs. 

Anti-social behavior is actually very therapeutic. I slept so much this weekend, I have tons of energy now. I'm like a squirrel on crack. 

I missed my sisters alot. Well, mostly the baby. She is so sweet and cuddly, I can't stop kissing her widdle face. 

The girls and I are getting a puppy! She is a pug. We will call her "Rosie Hat". My baby sister got to name her. We pick her up this weekend, so I'll post a picture as soon as we bring her home. I am sure the girls will have bought a bazillion pink clothes and shoes for her by then.

Glad to be back online! Gotta catch up on everyone's blogs today.

xoxo much luvs,

zen

grrr...

Have been kind of sad the last few days. Everything annoys me. My sisters begging for food (not the healthy stuff in the house) but whining for me to stop at the bakery. My friends asking for favors or money (I am broke). The phone calls and texts when I am fucking sleeping. The stupid neighbors coming to visit (I try to hide, but my car is parked out front)...

 

I am in need of some serious "hermit" time. I'm gonna send the girls off to grandmas for the weekend, shut off the phone, put a "fuck off" sign on the door, and close all the curtains making a cozy little cave.

Haven't been able to run around my apartment naked in forever. And my vibrator has been seriously neglected. That is probably half my problem right there!

Luv you guys.

xoxo,

zen

Who you calling obese?

Today, I went to lunch with some people after class. I stuck to ice water since I only eat dinner. I was actually feeling very proud of my resolve. I wasn't caving in while everyone around me was stuffing their faces. When someone asked why I wasn't eating, I casually mentioned that I was on a diet this week.

One of the girls snapped at me, stating that there was no way I need to lose weight.  
She was very large...oops.
She went on to say that she hated girls who complained about being fat when they had no idea what it was like to be overweight. Eh?

She tried to further make her point by saying that I'd have to be like100lbs overweight to be obese.

Did I say I was obese?! I should have just dropped the subject, but chubba-bubba was getting on my nerves. So I informed her that technically, you’re considered obese if you’re 30 pounds over your ideal weight. 

I’ve never seen a person’s face fall so quickly. ack.  It was like I told her she was dying. My bad. I don't think I'll be invited to lunch with that group again.

BTW.. I ended up binging tonight. She wins.

xoxo zen