Dick Speak

My stomach shriveled up after the 3 day baby food cleanse. I wasn't hungry, so I didn't eat for the next week. Despite the fact that I went out for drinks on girls night, I am still calling this a fast. 

I lost a total of 10lbs, gained back 2lbs post fast (it's really just pre-poo) Total loss = 8lbs Woot!!

Unfortunately I only seem to be capable of talking about ONE thing when drinking on an empty stomach. Can you guess what it is??

PENIS
It doesn't seem to have anything to do with simply being drunk though. I can become completely wasted and still have a great cock-free conversation, as long as I have food in my tummy.

As I told you in another post, I spent one fun evening eating and getting drunk with a homeless man. And I can assure you, I did not bring up the subject of his penis even once.

But give me a couple beers on a fasting tummy and all that comes out of my mouth is dick speak.

So a couple drinks (during this fast) led to the usual flirting, then asking a boy about his penis size, challenging him to prove it by whipping it out RIGHT there, and eventually mocking him for being too much of a pussy to do it.

Needless to say, I did not get laid that night. Hmmm. Perhaps I should reevaluate my approach?

Ah, well... despite my wicked ways, the scale goddess saw fit to FINALLY bless me with 120 pounds. Next goal is 110 baby!

Oh, and my ultimate goal is to finally have sex again before it just doesn't fucking matter anymore how thin I am.

Hey! It's the Penis Song!

xoxo, zen

Well slap me thrice and hand me to my mama.

The baby food diet is frigging adorable. Three days of the cleanse, lost 7lbs. Woot! Fuck you fad-diet haters.

I rarely eat any fruit or veggies. I'm like a bratty toddler. So baby food sounded pretty befitting my mental maturity. I can just grab one out of the fridge, it's already portion controlled, and the little smiley pictures on the containers make me happy.

Yes, I am using a big-girl spoon.

Why do babies always make that blech face when you try to feed them the veggies? If you pick up a mixture of peas carrots and tomatoes, its like a mushy casserole. It's delicious! Stupid babies.

Just shared an apple vanilla granola with my curious sister. She had asked wtf I was eating it for, told her it was baby food for grown ups.  She believed me.

So I have 2-3 containers 80 cal each, daily. Not bad for a cleansing fast. I also drink 8 oz water before and after. My goal is to do this for one week. Or until I hit a goal weightloss of 10lbs.

One concern... poo's are no longer solid. Have become a bit on the softer side. Hope shart's don't follow. Am too big for diapers.

Here's Abby kershaw sucking down a pouch of Ella’s broccoli pear + peas baby food. Doesn't she make it look so cute? And sexy as shit!

Found info on a very cool website Skinnygossip.com. Thanks Lund3on!

xoxo's

zen

3 Day Fast WIN

Start weight 136

Finish weight 128

-8lbs 

I shit you not!!

Well, maybe I did lean to the left a bit, but it still counts. My scale can only be manipulated a couple oz. Now if it went down a pound, THAT would be cheating.

And keep in mind, I'm on Topa. So I have a considerable advantage when I do not put food in my mouth.

Ever notice how much those empty fat cells like to jiggle? Those bastards really like to stick around, waiting to be filled up again after the famine is over.

I do love how my jeans become baggy after a quick drop in weight. But it sucks that my ass becomes baggy too.

It was all good until last night, my sister cooked up something that shall remain nameless. The mouthwatering smell woke something EVIL inside me.

I was, um strong?
NO. I wanted to kill something... really hard, fatally, to DEATH.
I snapped at everyone and everything around me, like a rabid chihuahua.

I guess I was hungry.

Compared to previous fasts though, this one was pretty tame.

Much luv,

xoxo zen

Fugly Motivation

My ex-boyfriend (dickwad) has a girlfriend that loves to glare at me. It is her favorite hobby. And I love to watch her do it. It makes me happy. 

My friends and I were at a coffee shop yesterday when dickwad walked in with grumpy. She glanced over at our table and promptly drew her face into a scowl. 

How cute.

The more she pouts, the more humorous it becomes. I just smile at her sweetly. I really look forward to these encounters.

Perhaps I should be flattered. Am I really that intimidating? I'm realizing it can be motivation to lose more weight... I can actually give her a GOOD reason to frown. I fucking love it!

Weight  / Treat

130   Sexy heels to make grumpy jealous

125   Hot makeup to make grumpy jealous

120   Risqué outfit to make grumpy jealous

115   Wicked tattoo to make grumpy jealous

110   Sensuous haircut to make grumpy jealous

Much luv,

xoxo zen

P.S. Thank you SO much for all the loving comments in my last post. It felt wonderful to receive such kindness when I needed it most. You guys are truly beyond amazing!! xoxoxoxoxoxo!!!

Drunkorexia

Well, as I slept, those extra 2lbs snuck out like a slutty one night stand.
The next day I fasted like a good girl.

Plus I found some rice-wine in my fridge so I decided to allow myself one cup as a reward... mmm it was so nice and warm in my tummy.

Unfortunately drinking sake on an empty stomach leads to typing shit like this...

----------------------

Plan:

Sun - sake fast

Mon - sake fast

Tue - sake fast

Wed - sake fast

Thu - sake fast

Fri - sake fast

Sat - sake fast

----------------------

I think I'll make a few adjustments to that now that I'm a bit more clear headed.

I'm feeling a bit low on my curse word count today, so take it from here Sue Simmons...

Much luv girlies,

xoxo zen

BOOO YA

Fasting is getting a bit easier.

But I was really craving pasta last night. So I did the hunger test.

I thought ,"Just have one of those 100 cal health bars instead"... 

"Nope", my tummy said, "bleh, I only want pasta"...  

"Then it is not true hunger", I scolded, "just a mental craving, stupid."  

Cool, another zero calorie day.

This morning I got on the scale, leeeaaaned to the left just a smidge, it locked onto 133 and voilà... I hit my half-way mark!! 20 fucking pounds!!! I lost TWENTY pounds in one month!!

[insert retarded naked dancing here]

Then I got dressed, pooped, and wondered if I was actually 133 without the leeeaaan?

Probably. Whatever, no time for that.

I hurdled myself over the furniture toward my computer to tell you guys the good news. Who else would give a shit that I've starved myself so well??

Ahhh... now if I could only see it. Maybe my mirror is not working right. Time to go shopping for a new one.

xoxo zen

Topamax Dosage Doubled

Am doing my fucking happy dance!!!!!!!
Not quite as cutely as him of course.

zen

Five little squirrels

Five little squirrels sitting in a tree.
The first one said, "What should we do?"
The second one said, "Find some nuts on the ground?"
The third one said, "Hey, did you hear zen lost three pounds today?"
The fourth one said, "That fucking hoe."
The fifth one said, "Lets go bite her ankles."
So they shook their tails and ran with glee.
To the skinny little bitch at the foot of the tree.

Ok, so I am not the best story-teller. Bite me.

Had girls night, watched a double feature... The Blind Side and The Crazies. Both are great movies. And had a Greek salad with several pieces of homemade bread...mmmm.

I was too scared to weigh-in yesterday, due to being naughty the night before. And was pretty nervous about getting on the fricken scale today too, but decided to stop being a pussy and find out how bad the damage was.

OMFG. I was not expecting loss. It has to be the drug. This never happens to me so close to a semi-binge. NEVER.

I have been sticking to only one meal a day. It does hurt. I feel the burn. I relish the thought of my yummy dinner. But lately, even when I am ravenous, I am actually able to eat that one meal in moderation.

I still have 30lbs to goal. OMG I almost feel like I can actually do this.
Love you guys... oh, and you too Topamax (smooches).


xoxo zen

Tummy Ache

Oh-Fuck-Me I felt hungry today. My usual binge reaction is to shovel in as much food as possible before I feel full. And I kinda did that just now. I made myself a bowl of pasta, started shoving it in, then luckily caught myself. But.... it was too late. I should have stopped about 10 spoonfuls prior. I have a brick sitting in my gut now.

You know how they tell you to eat slowly cause it supposedly takes awhile for your stomach to let your brain know it is full. Yeah, well imagine (theoretically) you have a stomach the size of a walnut, and it is retarded. I hope I shit this brick out some time soon.

On a lighter note. After yesterdays pizza, my friend told me I would probably not see any loss on the scale. Well, she came over this morning and asked, with a sympathetic look, how my weigh-in was. I lost another TWO pounds! I told her proudly. She was very surprised, and did not look too happy. Oh, well. She'll get over it. I'll certainly be more fun to hang out with when I am not the "fat friend" anymore.

Damn girls, that fat friend always holds the group back. She never has a boyfriend, is kinda depressing, or overly joyous (goofy), tries too hard to get attention, always thinks the other girls are talking behind her fat back, you have to drive her home instead of going home with that hot guy cause she never gets picked up at clubs. Need I say more?

Hmmm, and I cannot fucking wait to fit into some of those thinspo dresses you guys post. But, damn I wish I could afford those. I will just find some cute knock-offs and dance my tight little ass off. Ooh and some shiny little shoes. And of course I will have my own obligatory fat friend. It is only fair. 


xoxo zen

Out to eat. Again.

Everything social surrounds food. Why cant people just sit around and talk while looking at, say, plants? Eh. Whatever. So, there was a salad bar there, and a fricken pizza bar. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. I hate pizza. After my last binge/purge. I swore I'd never come near it again.   

I had two fucking pieces. 

Yep. But they tasted like dirt. Why did I eat two of them then? I don't know. Probably cause I used to love pizza and still wish I could atleast like pizza. The salad was yummy. Could only finish half of it before my stomach (or should I say - ass) exploded. Oh those poor people in the restroom. Eyes burning, noses running. Hey, it was either shit in there or in my pants. My stomach still hurts like hell. Guess I wont be forcing greasy food into it EVER again.

Got on the scale tonight and have already lost a pound since this morning. OH, did I mention, this morning I was down two pounds since yesterday? I am down 7lbs total in just 4 days! I Shit You Not! Well, I shit a lot, but you know what I mean.

I am still currently over my healthy weight range due to the horrific binging I have been doing for the last couple months. So I am sure once my doctor see's that I am down to my ideal weight, she will no longer prescribe Topamax for me. And then you guys can feel better knowing that I am no longer "cheating". I would hate me right now if I were you. ((zen sticks her tongue out at you like a toddler)) nya-nya! 

Yes, it does feel like cheating. I am still eating, a little bit. But I am not hungry. I do not have the urge, much less the ability to binge. And I am losing weight like crazy. It is awesome. But once I have lost all the weight. I will be on my own again. And that scares the living shit out of me. I hope to god I can find the ana mindset again once I am thin. I don't want to gain it all back. I wont know until I get there. Fuck, no need obsess about it right now. I should just enjoy this amazing ride (while it lasts). Thanks so much for sticking with me gals!!

xoxo zen

Dirt Drugs and Panties

Had Starbucks for breakfast this morning, did you guys know they make a "Dirt" flavored coffee now? Yep, they do. Had a tall dirt coffee with splenda. Obviously I could only take a couple sips due to this unpleasant flavor. Perhaps I'll request the poop, or ass flavor next time.

Am feeling a bit less foggy today. Ate one planned meal. A bowl of Alfredo with mushrooms. It tasted pretty good. Couldn't finish all of it though which is very unusual for me. I always go back for seconds when it is pasta... or beer. 

Haven't noticed any other strange side effects from the pills. Aside from the dirt taste in my mouth and mild loopiness. My sister and I went shopping at Victoria's Secret today and ran into a friend. He asked if I was feeling ok (guess he could tell I was pretty out of it). She told him I was high. I just laughed and walked away. When I looked back I saw him ask her, wide eyed, "really?"... "Yup" she said before turning to follow me.

"I  do not drugs, dork.. I said. "So?" she replied... "You are high". Then she mumbled something in french (I'm not fluent like her) and sauntered off to shop for panties. "Skank" I retorted, I am sure it was warranted.

I still ended up buying her xxs sized ass about a bazillion adorable thingies. I loooove that store. Also got myself some goodies too. I like to feel sexy even if I'm probably NEVER gonna show em to anyone. It's my own yummy little secret. I can pretend to be a VS diva if I wanna, hah!
 

xoxo zen

Tempting Fate

Have you ever have a good day and but put off blogging because you are afraid you'll jinx it?

It's like, "hey I won the lottery"... only to find out it was a gag scratch off. 

I bought one for my mom once. She thought she had won a bazillion dollars. She started screaming, then crying. When she saw my horrified face, she offered to split it with me... oh gawd!

On the back, the fine print tells the "winner" how to collect their winnings (in a very insulting manner).

Well, here it is... I have been binge free for 2 days now. Probably not to amazing to most of you, but I have been so out of control with my eating the last couple months. This is very exciting, a sign that I am ready to get back on track. Finally taking steps in the right direction.

Yesterday I had my usual morning coffee. Drank lots of water, and then by dinner time I realized I had not eaten all day. I actually had to sit there and think very hard about it, trying to recall. It was weird (I am weird). Same thing happened today. Only coffee and water. Have lost about 3lbs of water weight. I know that because of all the fricken peeing.

Oddly, I do have indigestion tho. WTF. An empty stomach is usually blissful. But I just keep burping. Very classy, I know. My fingers and toes are frozen. I have to bundle up to keep warm. No one else is cold. I'ts just me, and I LOVE it.

But even as I make this post, a tiny voice is screaming "noooo, don't do this, as soon as you say it out loud"... or in this case write it down... "you will jinx it". I'm afraid I will go to the damn fridge and PIG out like I do every night.

Visualization. That's what I will do! I will visualize my tight-foxy self getting laid. Yep, you heard me. Sex is the best motivator for me. I'm such a slut. 

bow-chicka-bow-wow....

 

 xoxo zen