Oh F*ck Me - PREMATURE AGING!

I am getting grey hair.... NO correction, they are white! I pluck them daily, but that just seems to piss them off and they grow back faster. Plus they are multiplying at an incredible rate.

I know people joke about raising kids giving you grey hair. 

But SERIOUSLY?!

I'm raising my sister and baby, so they are TWICE as irritating as normal children.

What is next? Menopause?! Been having horrible cramps this month... that's probably how it starts.

Fuck it - I don't care if my uterus falls out. I just wanna look young again!

Wrinkles, I've noticed wrinkles too! Oh. My. God. If my teen sister has a kid, I will look like it's grandma! That slut better be using condoms!

Love you ladies... stay youthful, kay?

xoxo,

zen

Dick Speak

My stomach shriveled up after the 3 day baby food cleanse. I wasn't hungry, so I didn't eat for the next week. Despite the fact that I went out for drinks on girls night, I am still calling this a fast. 

I lost a total of 10lbs, gained back 2lbs post fast (it's really just pre-poo) Total loss = 8lbs Woot!!

Unfortunately I only seem to be capable of talking about ONE thing when drinking on an empty stomach. Can you guess what it is??

PENIS
It doesn't seem to have anything to do with simply being drunk though. I can become completely wasted and still have a great cock-free conversation, as long as I have food in my tummy.

As I told you in another post, I spent one fun evening eating and getting drunk with a homeless man. And I can assure you, I did not bring up the subject of his penis even once.

But give me a couple beers on a fasting tummy and all that comes out of my mouth is dick speak.

So a couple drinks (during this fast) led to the usual flirting, then asking a boy about his penis size, challenging him to prove it by whipping it out RIGHT there, and eventually mocking him for being too much of a pussy to do it.

Needless to say, I did not get laid that night. Hmmm. Perhaps I should reevaluate my approach?

Ah, well... despite my wicked ways, the scale goddess saw fit to FINALLY bless me with 120 pounds. Next goal is 110 baby!

Oh, and my ultimate goal is to finally have sex again before it just doesn't fucking matter anymore how thin I am.

Hey! It's the Penis Song!

xoxo, zen