the REAL update

Miss Burton, out of my love for you, I will disclose my naughty doings.

I was arrested for...... shoplifting. 

At a fucking grocery store.

Yup.

Honestly, money is tight as hell. We've moved to the states. EVERYTHING was overwhelming. But we are finally starting to get settled in. 

Had an 80 degree Christmas though... that kind of killed the holiday spirit for us.

Oh, and I am only in my 20's. So getting grey hair is probably a side effect of living a life of crime.

LURVE you guys.

xoxo zen

Fire Starter

I love the yummy smell of wood burning in the morning. 

As I walked baby to school, we discovered a small fire in the foliage by a tree. Someone probably dropped a cig while driving by. 

I told her to stay there while I went and kicked some dirt over it. No prob...  or so I thought.

She was terrified. Why did you do that?! It could have exploded!

I tried to explain that it was just embers. Not a fire. That I just smothered it. "Smother?"  Like stamped it out. "What?" Stomped on it, killed it, dead, no more fire.

 "Was it yellow?"

We continued walking. In the back ground I heard sirens, I smiled at the irony.

Was not funny when they came closer and started circling the area. OMG they are looking for a fucking brush fire. 

"See? You shouldn't have done that with the fire. You could have gotten hurt. It was bad to ...blah blah blah..."

Eyebrows were raising.

She made it sound like I fricken started the fire. I kept trying to explain that everything was ok. But she wouldn't shut the fuck up. So I snapped "WILL YOU STOP IT?!"

Right in front of sexy tattoo'd FILF. Yup.

I smiled like a cheshire cat. Not only am I a pyromaniac, but I am bad mommy potential as well.

Shit.

On the bright side, it could have been worse... atleast I didn't smack her upside the head.

xoxo,
zen

Motivational Quote Of The Fricken Day

While walking home from a café with baby yesterday, we ran into a friend of hers. As the tots hugged and chatted I scoped out dad. He was HOT.  I could feel my boobs flush when he smiled at me.

As we continued our walk home, baby told me her friend only stays part-time with dad. Mmmm single. I mentioned that he was cute, just in case she wanted to toss that info out there next time she talked to her little friend.

She told me that her friend's mom was real skinny... like I used to be. hmph. Ok, so maybe I have gained a bit of weight, but I am exercising.

"Well, I am getting skinnier and skinnier every day" I said.

She glanced at me then replied "And fatter and fatter every night".

Ha ha. What?!

Oooh, game on shithead. I'll show you results.

xoxo,

zen

Slummin

Been pretty bummed since the ridiculous demise of Lost. A toddler could have conceived a better ending plot.

Six years, SIX fucking years I watched that show. And BLAM... the fuck-tards kill them all off. Leave my la la land intact why don't you?! Now every time I try to fantasize about one of those sexy (dead) island dudes, I get depressed.

If Alice were here she'd agree, but she's not, so I'll speak for her. The Lost series finale sucked ASS! And she'd also say that Damon Salvatore and I would make beautiful babies together.
Right Alice? Bow chicka bow wow.

Girls night out was a blast as usual. Drinking, flirting... my best friend made out with a hot blue-eyed boy.

And I made friends with a bum. His name was Larry.

Another homeless man, was trying to chase Larry away on his bicycle. That dude was trying like hell to run Larry over. I guess there was some kind of hobo turf war going on.

So I invited him to sit with us at our patio table. We enjoyed a few drinks and some grub. Larry was a bit odd, naturally, but very nice. And he didn't smell that bad at all. Why the fuck do I mention things like that? It's like saying I was sitting there sniffing him.

My mother always did call me a bum magnet. She'd be so proud.

Ahhh this commercial always gave me chills...

xoxo zen

Got Fleas

Rosie Hat is disgusting. 

She has fleas. Apparently she is just too retarded to handle it.

I have sprayed the floors, bathed the dog, put that gel stuff on her back...

REtreated the apartment, REbathed the dog, put more of that gel on her back (about 4 times now). 

Yet she still chews her ass. Constantly. Feverishly. NONstop. 

She is a pug and unfortunately she has the issue of snorting snoring spitting spraying and slobbering. When she chews on her ass, it sounds wet and sloppy like she is eating a big piece of raw meat.
I want to kick her. 

She sits at my feet to chew her ass. She sits on the couch to chew her ass. She sits on my pillow to chew her ass. I have to turn on the radio to sleep because her ass-chewing is so loud. 

I no longer look at her cute ears bouncing along as she trots around the house. I look at her butt hole. Yes. I only see a walking ass... the nasty ass that she chews on 24 hours a day. I don't want a dog anymore.

Oh and I've been eating, NONstop, like a fucking cow. It's Rosie's fault.

xoxo zen

johnstonbee, I'll reply to your tag questions next post...been thinking of fun answers for ya.

Peanut Butter Jelly Time

I don't usually talk about food on my blog. I just find it to be too triggering.

Some of you do.. no problem, I can skim over it. I have no fucking clue as to what you eat, especially when I am fasting.

So be warned...
I am about to talk about why I want to kill Mr Peanut.

Last night I was craving a pb&j sandwich. 2 to be exact. They were monsters. I mean HUGE. I loaded those suckers up with an inch of peanut butter and some raspberry jam.

I became sick half way through the second one. So decided, in my infinite wisdom, it was probably a good time to go to bed. Oh, and did I mention, I had no water to wash those gooey suckers down?

I had a dream I was vomiting. How odd, right? A hot sexy boy was soothing my face with a cool damp cloth. It didn't help. Urp.
I woke up with vomit in my mouth. Gulp.
And a lump of mashed up peanut butter and bread in my throat. I tried swallowing to push that sucker back down. It was choking me. Bleh.

When I sat up, I realized I was all clammy and dizzy.
This turned into a long night of fighting off the vomits. I was afraid to let that fucker come all the way up.

This morning I am still nauseous. My mouth keeps watering like I need to puke. But for some stupid reason I am terrified of that ball of peanut butter inside me. I imagine it is absorbing all the liquids I drink and growing into a massive pile of sticky dough.

Ugh and I am fasting today too... with a peanut butter blob still sitting in an undigested lump in the bottom of my stomach.

Suffice to say, I am NEVER eating pb&j again. EVER again. Yet another food item I have completely ruined for life.

Ack, these rotten tasting peanut butter burps are giving me a headache.

xoxo zen

Post Fast FAIL

I was little miss "snooty pants" after losing so much weight on my fast. Thought I was hot shit. Pffft.
 

Yesterday we got together with some friends for lunch. They made a bunch of vegetarian food for my sisters and I. It was so sweet of them. Assholes.

My eyes rolled back in my head like a shark as I took a bite into a scrumptious veggie burger. It was orgasmic. Had 3 more orgasms after that.

One of my sisters caught me the kitchen stuffing even more food in my mouth. She just stared at me with a bemused look on her face. "What?!" I asked, trying to act all nonchalant.

This morning, I ballooned up 3 fucking pounds!

I promptly removed those veggie chefs from my friends list on Facebook, no more luncheon invites from them. 

I gotta poop! Tonight, I am sending all these turd babies to laxie hell. Problem solved. 

Okay, taking my "snooty pants" off now.

xoxo zen

Bingey Bingey

//Begin Pity Party//

Notice how much I post when I have good stuff to report?

I've been away.

Have been eating crapola. Whatever junk food the girls brought/bring into the apt. Is all gone now.

"Where is the last éclair?" Sister asks stupid question. 

No answer.

"Where is the last chocolate éclair?!" She's blond btw.

No answer.

"Why wont you answer me?!!"

"SHHHH! I'm watching this!" I point to tv.. then brush finger across lips to wipe away any evidence.

"I just want to know where the éclair is!"  

It started off slowly... then slid into binge mode(ish). I'd eat a bit, let it digest, then eat again... NON-STOP. What made it even more pathetic, is food still tastes bland. There was no oral satisfaction, just a mental one.

The only reasons I can think that I was slipping, or trying to slip, back into this habit are...

1. No sex life (vibrator doesn't count).

2. Lost 20lbs but NOBODY noticed. 

3. Holiday... ? I know. I am grasping here.

4. Uhhhhh.

Ok, so there you have it. Heartbreaking, eh?
I KNOW... you "understand how I feel",  "are sorry it is so rough for me right now", "really hope it gets better"... sigh... I hope I get laid soon too.

I hid in my fatcave, afraid to weigh myself for about a week. Finally decided to assess the damage yesterday.

I had this picture all ready for this post, as an example of myself in all my puffy, bloated, freakish glory.

I GAINED 2 FUCKING POUNDS!

Are you shitting me Topa? Are ya laughing behind my back? I was so depressed thinking my clothing was becoming tighter and my body a bit more jiggly. Absolutely sure I had rebounded atleast 10lbs, nearly half my initial loss.

Lo and behold only 2 weensie lbs. Harhar. Joke's on me. 

Today I fast. Those 2lbs go bye-bye.

//End Pity Party//

xoxo zen

I was bad, and I liked it

I ate more than usual yesterday. Something snapped. Well more like succumbed, happily obliged, submitted? Eh, that just sounds slutty. I didn't feverishly stuff my face, I simply ate and got sum pleasure out of it, rawr. wink wink.

So I had a croissant in the morning. And a tofurky sandwich for brunch. Then was craving pancakes for dinner, but we were all out of syrup, whew, disaster averted.

Couldn't drink the "ass" beer though. Fuck! Maybe someday they will come out with an "ass-lite".

Felt a slight twinge of guilt cause I am still a fat as hell. Since I haven't really eaten in over a month, I figured I'd avoid the scale today. Forgive(ish) and forget(ish). But I still feel guilty, otherwise I wouldn't be sitting here at my internet confessional.

Oh, and had my first real poo in a month too. So I guess this binge went straight through me. That's good, right? For some reason? Gotta be something good about that? Somehow? Whatever.

xoxo,

zen

EDIT...
I decided to hop on the scale.
Did not gain an ounce.
Fucking awesome.
Oh topa, you havn't failed me yet, smooches.

Fizzy bite... My ass!

The last couple days I have eaten 3 - 4 very fatty meals. That is a lot compared to my one meal per day plan. Am feeling an uncomfortable load in my gut. My fingers and face were puffy this morning. I literally expected to look emaciated after losing half my body weight in diarrhea.

Yesterday was the worst. We had been doing some vigorous shopping and I actually ordered a COKE. I really really really miss the fizzy bite that it has. And although Topamax makes everything taste weird, it focuses the bulk of its anti-food power on soda. But still, I thought, just maybe, maaaaybe it would taste good just one more time. Pretty please?!

Nope... dirt.

Someone rinsed their ass, added some dirt, then poured it into my cup. 

In order to salvage the remnants of my sanity.... *snort* who the fuck am I trying to fool? I am not going to weigh myself until Saturday. That gives me a few days to get back on track. 

The last time I weighed in, I was one pound away from my next goal. ONE pound. Sometimes I wonder if it is self sabotage. So close. Oh shit, tomorrow is girls night out. That means alcohol. Moan. I like alcohol. Maybe I'll enjoy it even more on an empty stomach? >evil smile<.

Some-fricken-how, the last time I had a cheat meal, I still lost 3lbs! This has been two days worth of cheat meals, so I am certainly not expecting that sort of miracle. I'm really just hoping not to see any depressing weight gain. I guess even that would still be considered a miracle, eh?

Much luvs to you girlies.

xoxo zen

Assexplosion

You know what was really funny?
Taking a shitload of laxies one night.Then going to a friends house the next morning and hanging out with his family. I sharted right there, in the kitchen. Oh god. What to do? I sauntered off to the bathroom. Did anyone notice? Did anyone hear that? My ass is NEVER subtle. Is there a humongous stain on the back of my skirt?

That shouldn't have been too noticeable, I thought. Especially since the brown splat was the size of a SAUCER on a LIGHT color skirt.

And my friend is a tall guy, so he certainly couldn't loan me anything fresh to wear. I was half naked,  trying to wash the shit out of my clothes. I made the bathroom smell like ass, I smelled like ass. 

My cell was in the other room, or maybe I left it in the car. No one had come to check on me, and even if they had, they would notice the rancid smell emanating all they way down the hall.
Heh, yeah, that was really funny.  ha fricken ha.

Did you notice that some laxies have dosages for children? Fucking scary. Here baby, you are looking a bit chubby today, lets get you flushed out. Kids should just stick to the lighter stuff, you know, baby laxatives.

I have always taken 2 pills. Well that just wasn't cutting it anymore. They were producing less and less action in the morning. I need to get more action, if you catch my drift... wink wink.

After reading about others taking as many as one whole sleeve of laxies, I was like wow, I can do that too!

Uh, no. Bad idea. I am such a turd.

xoxo zen

Dog poop and chocolate asses

Why do all my neighbors have better cars than me? We all live in the same complex. And why do none of these "classy" people clean up after their dogs? They just stand there acting all nonchalant while their pooch makes a horizontal letter C.

Wouldn't you notice if your long wiener dog suddenly had a huge hump back? Uh, lady I think he's POOPING. Nope, she just looks off into oblivion. Then neighbor kids tromp it up the stairs and I have to dance around it as I carry groceries up to my apartment.

On a Happy(ish) note, I did start my period today so that might explain the constipation yesterday... and the *cough*  6 chocolate-filled croissants last night... and *cough* one pound weight gain this morning *cough*cough*

...weird tickle in my throat.

So ladies, learn from my mistake. Chocolate goes straight to your ass.

Ok, bad example. Sorry.

xoxo zen

Drugs

OK you guys... I  have now reached 153 lbs. So, that means, I have gained 42 lbs in just 2 months! CRAZY. Mother-Fucking-Crazy.

Today my precious doctor finally prescribed Topamax for me. Yay!

It is used off label for those with binge eating disorders. I didn't think she would be receptive to prescribing any weightloss-type drugs given my history with anorexia. But today I was brutally honest about my binge patterns of late, and subsequent weight gain. So she agreed that this (in conjunction with counseling) is a good option for me.

The reasons Topamax works:

1) Energy expenditure elevations in addition to reduced caloric intake secondary to anorexia.

2) Reduction in the activity of salivary enzymes, which are partially responsible for taste.

3) Reduction in leptin and corticosteroid concentrations. 

4) Reduction in serum glucose and insulin concentrations. 

My doctor warned me that one of the side effects known to this drug is anorexia. Seriously! 

I am feeling very hopeful about this. I really can't wait to see what this drug does for my insane binging problem. Hopefully it will help me to get things back under control. Pray for me plz.

 

xoxo lovelies,

zen

Chucking Cheese

Binged like a psycho again last night.

Then I purged... it fucking hurt! 

An entire pizza is really hard to bring back up.

Holy crap, I look like SHIT today.

I am keeping my sunglasses on and just telling everyone I am sick.

Hell yeah I'm sick! And a dumb ass. Never gonna eat pizza again.
Never.

xoxo zen

Old habits

I am binging daily now. 

I don't really feel particularly hungry, but I really crave sugar like hell. I've began making nightly trips to the grocery with every intention of loading my cart up with junk food.

It feels good at the time. Yes. It makes me happy.

But the next morning, I feel like shit. My whole body is puffy, especially my face. When I look in the mirror after my shower, I want to KILL my reflection. My brand new jeans (the smaller size I just bought) no longer fit! I am currently wearing my "only in emergency" sweat pants as I type this. And they are getting shorter cause my ass is getting bigger.

Last night I lay in bed thinking about my shitty eating habits and began contemplating purging. My rationalization is - it would be my punishment. Like a consequence. Maybe, the next time I think about binging, I will also think about how afterwords my head will be down in the stinky-nasty-toilette. It is possibly a way to psych myself out of binging, right? I really have a phobia about toilets. If I am sick, I puke in the sink... I know... that is even more disgusting. My plunger thinks so too.

I do purge when I drink too much alcohol. It is so fucking easy, only liquid comes up. I just expel it before bed, so I wake up sans-hangover. But... I haven't purged after a food binge in years because I hate gagging on lumps of food. Plus the puffy and red eyes, and sometimes broken blood vessels from straining aren't very pleasant. Clearly there is nothing sexy about purging. It is humiliating.

My stomach is still so stuffed, after last nights binge. I even have indigestion. There is so much SHIT in my system right now (literally). This Has Got To Stop.

Yes girlies, I do know the health risks of purging. But I don't consider this to be a long term solution. My hope is, that It will simply be a deterrent. Eventually my psyche will change, and my unhealthy binge patterns subside (due to not wanting to chuck-lumps).

Chucking Up Lumps... nice visual eh?

I think of it like training - like obedience lessons.
Similar to spraying a cat with a squirt bottle of water  "no no - bad kitty!" spritz-spritz
Instead it's  "no no - bad zen!" puke-puke

I live alone, so I wouldn't have to hide it.

Getting fat is publicly embarrassing. Purging is a solitary thing for me and only I would know the shame.This is just a desperate sign of how my emotional health is deteriorating along with my physique. My desire to lose weight and to be thin is taking a back-seat to self loathing and depression.

Options:

1. Keep on the same path of destruction.

2. Drugs, like Topomax which supposedly suppress appetite.

3. Get psychiatric help... It's not like they can do anything, I am an adult. Even if my mommy found out, hell... she is a fricken anorexic. "Yay, I'm so proud my chubby daughter is finally doing something about her fat ass". Those of you who grew up with dysfunctional parents know pretty-much what I mean.

4. Purge as punishment, a determent, a psycho-fuck-wit-ya-fat-mind-mojo-thingy.

The last time I tried counseling, I was told  to keep a food diary and to simply lower my caloric intake. Dude, if it had any self-control, I wouldn't have sought out help. Just eat less. duh. I am fricken OUT OF CONTROL. The only thing I learned from that, was writing down all the crap I shovel into my mouth just depresses me even more.

 

Hey, just thought about the Doritos on top of my fridge, then I thought, hmmm... how would they taste coming back up? ewww.

A quote by - mynoseburns...

"Today, I sneezed while I was throwing up into the toilet. It turns out that throwing up is even less pleasant when the puke violently shoots out through your nose".

Bless you.

xoxo zen

Poor twiggy

Fat people are not the only ones fun to watch FAIL.

I've always enjoyed this clip!

xoxo zen

Poor piggy

What the hell is wrong with me... 
I can't fucking stop laughing!

Who you calling obese?

Today, I went to lunch with some people after class. I stuck to ice water since I only eat dinner. I was actually feeling very proud of my resolve. I wasn't caving in while everyone around me was stuffing their faces. When someone asked why I wasn't eating, I casually mentioned that I was on a diet this week.

One of the girls snapped at me, stating that there was no way I need to lose weight.  
She was very large...oops.
She went on to say that she hated girls who complained about being fat when they had no idea what it was like to be overweight. Eh?

She tried to further make her point by saying that I'd have to be like100lbs overweight to be obese.

Did I say I was obese?! I should have just dropped the subject, but chubba-bubba was getting on my nerves. So I informed her that technically, you’re considered obese if you’re 30 pounds over your ideal weight. 

I’ve never seen a person’s face fall so quickly. ack.  It was like I told her she was dying. My bad. I don't think I'll be invited to lunch with that group again.

BTW.. I ended up binging tonight. She wins.

xoxo zen