Brain = Good

I missed you guys! Topa the WONDER DRUG,  turned my brain to utter shit. My inability to grasp words was unbelievable. I could not complete the simplest thoughts.

"Uhhh...." was practically every word out of my mouth. And so was fuck. I said fuck a lot, just to fill in the gaps.

When I said something incoherent, friends would just laugh and say "awww zen".... I guess they thought it was so cute, my being partially brain dead and all. 

I tried for the longest time to rationalize it. Besides, I still had my looks. Maybe I could just be an airhead... why not? My sister is one, and guys think she's adorable.

Unfortunately, being adorable didn't work for me. When I'd open my mouth to speak, people thought I was retarded. An adorable little retard.

I stopped taking Topa last week. Recuperation is officially underway. I can already feel my snark and wit slowly emerging.

Sadly though, my sensation of hunger has returned and I no longer have any food aversion. The free ride is over...  I'm back to actually putting an effort into losing weight.

I've finally accepted the dreaded fact, that the ability to form complete sentences must take precedent over my lovely Topa.

Apparently, having an IQ is a necessity. Not fair.

xoxo,

zen

Magic Pills

I received a lot of questions after my last post. Yes 20lbs in one month is fucking insane. 

My current *kickass* weightloss is not due to willpower. I recently asked my doctor to prescribe Topamax for my binge eating disorder.

Here is the original post I made about it... Drugs

When I first started using it, food began to taste funky. Two weeks later I convinced my doctor to increase my dosage. She doubled it from 200 to 400mg daily, and my appetite diminished entirely.

I am not hungry at all anymore.When I do eat, food tastes like dirt, and it also upsets my stomach as if I am already full. I lose about 5 pounds a week. So no, I do not really eat. 

Occasionally I do try. Last night I had a few bites of dinner with my sisters. I like to eat chocolate (in moderation). It's the only thing that still tastes good to me. I can't even stand alcohol! God, I fucking miss drinking!! Actually ALL carbonated drinks taste awful now.

The other day my friends planned on having sushi for girls night. Oooh, I'd kill for that stuff! So I skipped my second pill in hopes of regaining any appetite or sensation of taste. Nope, didn't work.

I (slowly) ate two rolls, they were nice and soft, but still bland. Of course, I wasn't able to drink my beer because it was gross and watery. But it was still a fun night.

The drug raises my body temperature as it increases my BMR. And my hands and feet go to sleep all the time, painfully. But I do have a lot more energy than before which is nice.

Curious... How many of you tried to click on the picture?

Much luvs, 

xoxo zen

I cheat on my digital scale

Digital scales are so fun to manipulate. You get on and leeeaaan to the left a bit, just right, get that extra two ounce drop, careful not to make it go UP. Or if that doesn't work, you go pee. If you feel a bit of gurgle or gas, you wait, knowing you may shit your way down to the desired morning weight. Then voilà. You accomplish your goal. PRIDE ensues.

Today was not one of those days. I did lose a pound which was GREAT. But was only 2oz from next pound down! So, I got greedy. Did the leeeaaan, no good, took a pee, no good, made some poo, no good. Fuck it. Atleast, that means tomorrow I will be down atleast another pound if not two!!

My secret... aside from manipulating my scale? Not eating. I have water and 400mg Topa daily. I discovered that if I take my pills later in the day the appetite suppressant effect lasts longer. So now I can stay up waaay past my bedtime without worrying about binging.

I do however occasionally treat myself to a 210 cal Hershey chocolate bar. Not because I am hungry, but because it is the only thing in the entire world that actually does not taste like ass/dirt. I know it's junk, but chocolate makes me sooo happy.

Yesterday I bought these health bars (chocolate covered of course). They have protein, fiber, and vitamins. And they are only 100 cals... which is half the cals of those candy bars. So I think I'm gonna have those instead.

Oooohhh... tummy burn means I need more water. Topa makes me drink TONS. My sister asked me why the fuck we are going through 2 rolls of toilette paper a day. I just blamed it on the little one. Heh, toddlers. Always using too much, ya know? Geesh.

xoxo zen

Butt Plugs

Ok so sorry I haven't been posting daily like usual, constant state of  brain fart. Being a guardian is exhausting.

These brats have knocked my system out of whack. Now I feel jet lagged all the time. Like I am constantly in another time zone from them, and they completely take advantage of it. 

"Did you just take that money out of my purse?!"... "Huh uh no you gave it to me yesterday." Yesterday for ME, was 5 minutes ago for HER, as she slipped her little fingers into my purse without asking. Little shit.

It's probably how moms feel. I've just gotta grow some balls and adjust. Or have myself committed. They don't have alcohol in loony bins, but I bet they do have kick-ass drugs.

So, I have been using Dulcolax as my choice of laxies.  It's funny though, because they really like to brag about how powerful they are... thus my assexplosions and expensive pantie budget.

Well, here is a guide based on your dosage 1, 2 or 3 tablets... eg (light, med, or heavy flow) to avoid accidents in public.

Viola! No more sharting! 

xoxo zen

Topamax Dosage Doubled

Am doing my fucking happy dance!!!!!!!
Not quite as cutely as him of course.

zen

Fizzy bite... My ass!

The last couple days I have eaten 3 - 4 very fatty meals. That is a lot compared to my one meal per day plan. Am feeling an uncomfortable load in my gut. My fingers and face were puffy this morning. I literally expected to look emaciated after losing half my body weight in diarrhea.

Yesterday was the worst. We had been doing some vigorous shopping and I actually ordered a COKE. I really really really miss the fizzy bite that it has. And although Topamax makes everything taste weird, it focuses the bulk of its anti-food power on soda. But still, I thought, just maybe, maaaaybe it would taste good just one more time. Pretty please?!

Nope... dirt.

Someone rinsed their ass, added some dirt, then poured it into my cup. 

In order to salvage the remnants of my sanity.... *snort* who the fuck am I trying to fool? I am not going to weigh myself until Saturday. That gives me a few days to get back on track. 

The last time I weighed in, I was one pound away from my next goal. ONE pound. Sometimes I wonder if it is self sabotage. So close. Oh shit, tomorrow is girls night out. That means alcohol. Moan. I like alcohol. Maybe I'll enjoy it even more on an empty stomach? >evil smile<.

Some-fricken-how, the last time I had a cheat meal, I still lost 3lbs! This has been two days worth of cheat meals, so I am certainly not expecting that sort of miracle. I'm really just hoping not to see any depressing weight gain. I guess even that would still be considered a miracle, eh?

Much luvs to you girlies.

xoxo zen

Assexplosion

You know what was really funny?
Taking a shitload of laxies one night.Then going to a friends house the next morning and hanging out with his family. I sharted right there, in the kitchen. Oh god. What to do? I sauntered off to the bathroom. Did anyone notice? Did anyone hear that? My ass is NEVER subtle. Is there a humongous stain on the back of my skirt?

That shouldn't have been too noticeable, I thought. Especially since the brown splat was the size of a SAUCER on a LIGHT color skirt.

And my friend is a tall guy, so he certainly couldn't loan me anything fresh to wear. I was half naked,  trying to wash the shit out of my clothes. I made the bathroom smell like ass, I smelled like ass. 

My cell was in the other room, or maybe I left it in the car. No one had come to check on me, and even if they had, they would notice the rancid smell emanating all they way down the hall.
Heh, yeah, that was really funny.  ha fricken ha.

Did you notice that some laxies have dosages for children? Fucking scary. Here baby, you are looking a bit chubby today, lets get you flushed out. Kids should just stick to the lighter stuff, you know, baby laxatives.

I have always taken 2 pills. Well that just wasn't cutting it anymore. They were producing less and less action in the morning. I need to get more action, if you catch my drift... wink wink.

After reading about others taking as many as one whole sleeve of laxies, I was like wow, I can do that too!

Uh, no. Bad idea. I am such a turd.

xoxo zen

Five little squirrels

Five little squirrels sitting in a tree.
The first one said, "What should we do?"
The second one said, "Find some nuts on the ground?"
The third one said, "Hey, did you hear zen lost three pounds today?"
The fourth one said, "That fucking hoe."
The fifth one said, "Lets go bite her ankles."
So they shook their tails and ran with glee.
To the skinny little bitch at the foot of the tree.

Ok, so I am not the best story-teller. Bite me.

Had girls night, watched a double feature... The Blind Side and The Crazies. Both are great movies. And had a Greek salad with several pieces of homemade bread...mmmm.

I was too scared to weigh-in yesterday, due to being naughty the night before. And was pretty nervous about getting on the fricken scale today too, but decided to stop being a pussy and find out how bad the damage was.

OMFG. I was not expecting loss. It has to be the drug. This never happens to me so close to a semi-binge. NEVER.

I have been sticking to only one meal a day. It does hurt. I feel the burn. I relish the thought of my yummy dinner. But lately, even when I am ravenous, I am actually able to eat that one meal in moderation.

I still have 30lbs to goal. OMG I almost feel like I can actually do this.
Love you guys... oh, and you too Topamax (smooches).


xoxo zen

Tummy Ache

Oh-Fuck-Me I felt hungry today. My usual binge reaction is to shovel in as much food as possible before I feel full. And I kinda did that just now. I made myself a bowl of pasta, started shoving it in, then luckily caught myself. But.... it was too late. I should have stopped about 10 spoonfuls prior. I have a brick sitting in my gut now.

You know how they tell you to eat slowly cause it supposedly takes awhile for your stomach to let your brain know it is full. Yeah, well imagine (theoretically) you have a stomach the size of a walnut, and it is retarded. I hope I shit this brick out some time soon.

On a lighter note. After yesterdays pizza, my friend told me I would probably not see any loss on the scale. Well, she came over this morning and asked, with a sympathetic look, how my weigh-in was. I lost another TWO pounds! I told her proudly. She was very surprised, and did not look too happy. Oh, well. She'll get over it. I'll certainly be more fun to hang out with when I am not the "fat friend" anymore.

Damn girls, that fat friend always holds the group back. She never has a boyfriend, is kinda depressing, or overly joyous (goofy), tries too hard to get attention, always thinks the other girls are talking behind her fat back, you have to drive her home instead of going home with that hot guy cause she never gets picked up at clubs. Need I say more?

Hmmm, and I cannot fucking wait to fit into some of those thinspo dresses you guys post. But, damn I wish I could afford those. I will just find some cute knock-offs and dance my tight little ass off. Ooh and some shiny little shoes. And of course I will have my own obligatory fat friend. It is only fair. 


xoxo zen

Out to eat. Again.

Everything social surrounds food. Why cant people just sit around and talk while looking at, say, plants? Eh. Whatever. So, there was a salad bar there, and a fricken pizza bar. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. I hate pizza. After my last binge/purge. I swore I'd never come near it again.   

I had two fucking pieces. 

Yep. But they tasted like dirt. Why did I eat two of them then? I don't know. Probably cause I used to love pizza and still wish I could atleast like pizza. The salad was yummy. Could only finish half of it before my stomach (or should I say - ass) exploded. Oh those poor people in the restroom. Eyes burning, noses running. Hey, it was either shit in there or in my pants. My stomach still hurts like hell. Guess I wont be forcing greasy food into it EVER again.

Got on the scale tonight and have already lost a pound since this morning. OH, did I mention, this morning I was down two pounds since yesterday? I am down 7lbs total in just 4 days! I Shit You Not! Well, I shit a lot, but you know what I mean.

I am still currently over my healthy weight range due to the horrific binging I have been doing for the last couple months. So I am sure once my doctor see's that I am down to my ideal weight, she will no longer prescribe Topamax for me. And then you guys can feel better knowing that I am no longer "cheating". I would hate me right now if I were you. ((zen sticks her tongue out at you like a toddler)) nya-nya! 

Yes, it does feel like cheating. I am still eating, a little bit. But I am not hungry. I do not have the urge, much less the ability to binge. And I am losing weight like crazy. It is awesome. But once I have lost all the weight. I will be on my own again. And that scares the living shit out of me. I hope to god I can find the ana mindset again once I am thin. I don't want to gain it all back. I wont know until I get there. Fuck, no need obsess about it right now. I should just enjoy this amazing ride (while it lasts). Thanks so much for sticking with me gals!!

xoxo zen

Dirt Drugs and Panties

Had Starbucks for breakfast this morning, did you guys know they make a "Dirt" flavored coffee now? Yep, they do. Had a tall dirt coffee with splenda. Obviously I could only take a couple sips due to this unpleasant flavor. Perhaps I'll request the poop, or ass flavor next time.

Am feeling a bit less foggy today. Ate one planned meal. A bowl of Alfredo with mushrooms. It tasted pretty good. Couldn't finish all of it though which is very unusual for me. I always go back for seconds when it is pasta... or beer. 

Haven't noticed any other strange side effects from the pills. Aside from the dirt taste in my mouth and mild loopiness. My sister and I went shopping at Victoria's Secret today and ran into a friend. He asked if I was feeling ok (guess he could tell I was pretty out of it). She told him I was high. I just laughed and walked away. When I looked back I saw him ask her, wide eyed, "really?"... "Yup" she said before turning to follow me.

"I  do not drugs, dork.. I said. "So?" she replied... "You are high". Then she mumbled something in french (I'm not fluent like her) and sauntered off to shop for panties. "Skank" I retorted, I am sure it was warranted.

I still ended up buying her xxs sized ass about a bazillion adorable thingies. I loooove that store. Also got myself some goodies too. I like to feel sexy even if I'm probably NEVER gonna show em to anyone. It's my own yummy little secret. I can pretend to be a VS diva if I wanna, hah!
 

xoxo zen

Zombieland

I spent the day driving around, marveling about how good, different, mellow I feel. Imagining all my favorite foods, stunned that I didn't have the slightest interest in eating anything.

I went out to dinner with my friends tonight, but still, the thought of food just seemed blehhh.

Food tastes like ass. Everything I tried to eat literally tastes like dirt.

Ordered a Heineken, ick, dirt, gave it to my friend. Ordered a veggie burger, ick, the bbq sauce tasted like dirt, gave it to my other friend. Had a couple fries, the salt was yummy, but my tummy felt icky, so I downed my water and was finished with my meal. Don't know my tally for the day, but it is safe to say it was under 100 cal.

Unfortunately everything seems blehhh to me (not just food). I feel like a ZOMBIE. 

That is probably the reason why you are supposed to build your way up in dosage of Topamax as Poppy mentioned. My Dr already has me taking 200mg daily. arrrrgh brains.
Oh well. skinnie-zombie is better than ravenous-fattie.

xoxo zen

Drugs

OK you guys... I  have now reached 153 lbs. So, that means, I have gained 42 lbs in just 2 months! CRAZY. Mother-Fucking-Crazy.

Today my precious doctor finally prescribed Topamax for me. Yay!

It is used off label for those with binge eating disorders. I didn't think she would be receptive to prescribing any weightloss-type drugs given my history with anorexia. But today I was brutally honest about my binge patterns of late, and subsequent weight gain. So she agreed that this (in conjunction with counseling) is a good option for me.

The reasons Topamax works:

1) Energy expenditure elevations in addition to reduced caloric intake secondary to anorexia.

2) Reduction in the activity of salivary enzymes, which are partially responsible for taste.

3) Reduction in leptin and corticosteroid concentrations. 

4) Reduction in serum glucose and insulin concentrations. 

My doctor warned me that one of the side effects known to this drug is anorexia. Seriously! 

I am feeling very hopeful about this. I really can't wait to see what this drug does for my insane binging problem. Hopefully it will help me to get things back under control. Pray for me plz.

 

xoxo lovelies,

zen

Old habits

I am binging daily now. 

I don't really feel particularly hungry, but I really crave sugar like hell. I've began making nightly trips to the grocery with every intention of loading my cart up with junk food.

It feels good at the time. Yes. It makes me happy.

But the next morning, I feel like shit. My whole body is puffy, especially my face. When I look in the mirror after my shower, I want to KILL my reflection. My brand new jeans (the smaller size I just bought) no longer fit! I am currently wearing my "only in emergency" sweat pants as I type this. And they are getting shorter cause my ass is getting bigger.

Last night I lay in bed thinking about my shitty eating habits and began contemplating purging. My rationalization is - it would be my punishment. Like a consequence. Maybe, the next time I think about binging, I will also think about how afterwords my head will be down in the stinky-nasty-toilette. It is possibly a way to psych myself out of binging, right? I really have a phobia about toilets. If I am sick, I puke in the sink... I know... that is even more disgusting. My plunger thinks so too.

I do purge when I drink too much alcohol. It is so fucking easy, only liquid comes up. I just expel it before bed, so I wake up sans-hangover. But... I haven't purged after a food binge in years because I hate gagging on lumps of food. Plus the puffy and red eyes, and sometimes broken blood vessels from straining aren't very pleasant. Clearly there is nothing sexy about purging. It is humiliating.

My stomach is still so stuffed, after last nights binge. I even have indigestion. There is so much SHIT in my system right now (literally). This Has Got To Stop.

Yes girlies, I do know the health risks of purging. But I don't consider this to be a long term solution. My hope is, that It will simply be a deterrent. Eventually my psyche will change, and my unhealthy binge patterns subside (due to not wanting to chuck-lumps).

Chucking Up Lumps... nice visual eh?

I think of it like training - like obedience lessons.
Similar to spraying a cat with a squirt bottle of water  "no no - bad kitty!" spritz-spritz
Instead it's  "no no - bad zen!" puke-puke

I live alone, so I wouldn't have to hide it.

Getting fat is publicly embarrassing. Purging is a solitary thing for me and only I would know the shame.This is just a desperate sign of how my emotional health is deteriorating along with my physique. My desire to lose weight and to be thin is taking a back-seat to self loathing and depression.

Options:

1. Keep on the same path of destruction.

2. Drugs, like Topomax which supposedly suppress appetite.

3. Get psychiatric help... It's not like they can do anything, I am an adult. Even if my mommy found out, hell... she is a fricken anorexic. "Yay, I'm so proud my chubby daughter is finally doing something about her fat ass". Those of you who grew up with dysfunctional parents know pretty-much what I mean.

4. Purge as punishment, a determent, a psycho-fuck-wit-ya-fat-mind-mojo-thingy.

The last time I tried counseling, I was told  to keep a food diary and to simply lower my caloric intake. Dude, if it had any self-control, I wouldn't have sought out help. Just eat less. duh. I am fricken OUT OF CONTROL. The only thing I learned from that, was writing down all the crap I shovel into my mouth just depresses me even more.

 

Hey, just thought about the Doritos on top of my fridge, then I thought, hmmm... how would they taste coming back up? ewww.

A quote by - mynoseburns...

"Today, I sneezed while I was throwing up into the toilet. It turns out that throwing up is even less pleasant when the puke violently shoots out through your nose".

Bless you.

xoxo zen