Oh F*ck Me - PREMATURE AGING!

I am getting grey hair.... NO correction, they are white! I pluck them daily, but that just seems to piss them off and they grow back faster. Plus they are multiplying at an incredible rate.

I know people joke about raising kids giving you grey hair. 

But SERIOUSLY?!

I'm raising my sister and baby, so they are TWICE as irritating as normal children.

What is next? Menopause?! Been having horrible cramps this month... that's probably how it starts.

Fuck it - I don't care if my uterus falls out. I just wanna look young again!

Wrinkles, I've noticed wrinkles too! Oh. My. God. If my teen sister has a kid, I will look like it's grandma! That slut better be using condoms!

Love you ladies... stay youthful, kay?

xoxo,

zen

Fire Starter

I love the yummy smell of wood burning in the morning. 

As I walked baby to school, we discovered a small fire in the foliage by a tree. Someone probably dropped a cig while driving by. 

I told her to stay there while I went and kicked some dirt over it. No prob...  or so I thought.

She was terrified. Why did you do that?! It could have exploded!

I tried to explain that it was just embers. Not a fire. That I just smothered it. "Smother?"  Like stamped it out. "What?" Stomped on it, killed it, dead, no more fire.

 "Was it yellow?"

We continued walking. In the back ground I heard sirens, I smiled at the irony.

Was not funny when they came closer and started circling the area. OMG they are looking for a fucking brush fire. 

"See? You shouldn't have done that with the fire. You could have gotten hurt. It was bad to ...blah blah blah..."

Eyebrows were raising.

She made it sound like I fricken started the fire. I kept trying to explain that everything was ok. But she wouldn't shut the fuck up. So I snapped "WILL YOU STOP IT?!"

Right in front of sexy tattoo'd FILF. Yup.

I smiled like a cheshire cat. Not only am I a pyromaniac, but I am bad mommy potential as well.

Shit.

On the bright side, it could have been worse... atleast I didn't smack her upside the head.

xoxo,
zen

Motivational Quote Of The Fricken Day

While walking home from a café with baby yesterday, we ran into a friend of hers. As the tots hugged and chatted I scoped out dad. He was HOT.  I could feel my boobs flush when he smiled at me.

As we continued our walk home, baby told me her friend only stays part-time with dad. Mmmm single. I mentioned that he was cute, just in case she wanted to toss that info out there next time she talked to her little friend.

She told me that her friend's mom was real skinny... like I used to be. hmph. Ok, so maybe I have gained a bit of weight, but I am exercising.

"Well, I am getting skinnier and skinnier every day" I said.

She glanced at me then replied "And fatter and fatter every night".

Ha ha. What?!

Oooh, game on shithead. I'll show you results.

xoxo,

zen

Love is in the air... and it smells funky

Baby, age 5, has now had her first kiss. Says he tastes like bacon. So she and bacon-lips are getting married when she grows up. She sees no reason to search any further, he is the ONE.

Teen sister has found a guy that can tame her wild ways. She is not out flirting, teasing and ripping boys little hearts out these days. This is the lucky one who made her finally decide to get on birth control (hint hint). Gross.

Best friend has a new guy in her life, thus marathon sex and NO time for a social life. When she is in a new relationship it is like she disappears off the face of the earth. I would have to go over there and pull that penis out of her to get some quality girl time.

Being in love is so retarded.

Am I am the only one who see's the insanity in it all? They'll come to their senses eventually. And when they do, I'll be sitting right here. Waiting for them. Alone.

 

By the way... I MISSED YOU GUYS!
If I post a tard comment on your blog, it's just because I have no idea what you're talking about. I've still got so much gossip to catch up on.

Many xoxo's,

zen

PERSONAL stuff you must know

Thank you my lovelies, Violet, Ell, Luna, Lund3on, and the beautiful Madz who started it all... HERE. I wish I could give one back to each of you, as punishment for making me do all this work.

Things I LOATH:

1) Feet They are gross, fungus laden, sweaty, and toenails can even cut you. Yet there are some freaky people that like to suck on them. Keep your feet the hell away from me when I'm eating or I will stab you with my fork.

2) Haters Angry people are toxic. They annoy me. I don't hate them.
I just really really really fucking dislike them, and sometimes want to punch them in the face.

3) Dicks who ignore wildlife while driving There will be a bunch of pigeons on the road and they plow right through. I'd love to see one of those assholes in a crosswalk... oopsie, sorry dude, thought you'd scurry away faster than that.

Things I LOVE:

1. Tailgaters I like to tap my brakes to scare the shit out of them. Sometimes I slow waaaay down for them. I could drive for miles at a snails pace. Oh so fun. *snicker*

2. Jason Statham...

...is a HOT as fuck! Num num num.

3. I guess I should also include my dog, but honestly, she still grosses me out with all her slobbery ass chewing.

4. The Moon I have always been in love with it. A harvest moon is my favorite.

Winners... If you already got one, just pass it along. This helps us all discover other interesting bloggers.

MaryJane - My sexy little foul mouthed vixen. You totally speak my language. I would love to see your answers to this quiz.

Margg - Such an awesome mind. I'd curse a lot less if I were even a fraction as articulate as you... But I gotta work with what I've got. You're writing is beautiful love.

Kelly  - You deserve the shit out of this. I saw this show last night, and hot damn this chic is KICK-ASS. She immediately reminded me of you. Can't wait till you get your tat!

xoxo,

zen

Lascivious text?

Yawn.

I love a good game of dirty talk. This boy doesn't know how to play.

And he seriously typed *blink*.

What the fuck is that supposed to mean anyway? Is that the way douche-bags *wink*? Or was he indicating for me to type my address so we can get-it-on already?

He aint getting any.

Pretty much sums up my personal life right now. Blah. In need of more alcohol and new batteries for my electronic boyfriend.

Found out that my teen sisters "sleep overs" at girlfriends houses were actually just a bullshit way to sneak out to wild parties. The kind I used to go to at her age. The kind she is NOT allowed to be going to. That lil skank is grounded for life.

So what if I am a hypocrite? I get a twisted pleasure out of watching her pout.

I really don't know what to do with her. Maybe she just needs to be put in a convent. Then I can finally get out and have some fun.

I do remember being her age. Those were some crazy times. And I didn't have a bitchy older sister to ruin all the fun.

Ooh, I finally set up a Facebook account... feel free to add me!
http://www.facebook.com/daintyzen

xoxo,

zen

Muchas gracias for the yummy joke Hollow.

Well slap me thrice and hand me to my mama.

The baby food diet is frigging adorable. Three days of the cleanse, lost 7lbs. Woot! Fuck you fad-diet haters.

I rarely eat any fruit or veggies. I'm like a bratty toddler. So baby food sounded pretty befitting my mental maturity. I can just grab one out of the fridge, it's already portion controlled, and the little smiley pictures on the containers make me happy.

Yes, I am using a big-girl spoon.

Why do babies always make that blech face when you try to feed them the veggies? If you pick up a mixture of peas carrots and tomatoes, its like a mushy casserole. It's delicious! Stupid babies.

Just shared an apple vanilla granola with my curious sister. She had asked wtf I was eating it for, told her it was baby food for grown ups.  She believed me.

So I have 2-3 containers 80 cal each, daily. Not bad for a cleansing fast. I also drink 8 oz water before and after. My goal is to do this for one week. Or until I hit a goal weightloss of 10lbs.

One concern... poo's are no longer solid. Have become a bit on the softer side. Hope shart's don't follow. Am too big for diapers.

Here's Abby kershaw sucking down a pouch of Ella’s broccoli pear + peas baby food. Doesn't she make it look so cute? And sexy as shit!

Found info on a very cool website Skinnygossip.com. Thanks Lund3on!

xoxo's

zen

Sexy and Shriveling

Took my teen sister to her doctor for a checkup. 

The nurse said she was 5'7" tall. 

HUH? Wait a minute... lets try that again, must be a mistake.

She measured again. Yes, my sister is definitely 5'7".

I have always been 5'7" and she's already towering over me.

I said, um, can you measure me then? Cause I'm confused.

5'6"

I lost an inch of height?! LOL. Whaaat?

Numbers raced through my head. So I am FATTER! Now my goal weight has to be 5lbs lower? Or 10lbs? Oh god, no no, I have to be an inch taller, I need it!

I wanted the nurse to help me understand what just happened. But for some reason she seemed unfazed by my nervous breakdown. It was like she had something better to do.

I sat through my sisters exam... nodding my head and pretending to care (cause I am such a selfless person), all the while thinking about how I need to hurry home and recalculate my BMI.

Afterwords her doctor asked if I had any questions. 

I jumped up. Ooh yeah! She is clearly taller than me right? I have always been 5'7", and she just measured at 5'7", but now I am suddenly 5'6". How is that possible?

He chuckled and said not to worry, it just happens as we become older.

WTF??

But I'm only in my 20's.

Welcome to the geriatric shrinking club zen.

Wet granny kisses,

zen

Oh, btw her drug test was negatory! Good girl. I told you I am a strict hypocrite.
_____

EDIT: I calculated my new goal weight based on shrinkage... 103lbs.
So that means I am now 7lbs fatter.
Lovely.

They aren't even old enough to lick butts yet.

Today baby had a few of her little friends over to play.

I was walking by and stopped outside her door to listen for a bit cause they were giggling so fricken adorably.

Apparently she made up a game called "potty-time".
When asked what time it is, you have to answer with dirty words.

Here are a few of the creative answers I heard...
it's poop o'clock
it's pee o'clock
it's weenerstomper o'clock (wow, not sure what time that is)
it's lickerbutt o'clock (liquor butt... or... lick her butt?)
it's buttmonkey o'clock (ha)
it's pootylickbuttassboogerfuckshiteater o'clock (ok game over kiddies)
 
Can ya guess which ones I heard come from the mouth of  innocent little baby? 
Hint... every one she made up had the word "lick" in it.

I don't know where the fuck she gets this shit from.

Cute game though.


For those concerned about my "parenting" skills, I do punish her whenever she calls me a fat ass. 

xoxo,

zen

Cheer Boys, and Fat Dogs

My sister has been dating a jealous controlling verbally abusive shit-brained football player. I kept finding reasons to ground her so she couldn't be alone with him. I warned him that if he hurt my sister, I could make his death look like an accident. 

Last week she finally dumped him for a HOT guy on her varsity cheerleading team.  Her ex isn't even jealous because he assumes this new dude is a "fag". Whatever makes you feel better, fucking idiot.

Cheer boy is coming over to watch a "Bring It On" movie marathon with her Friday night (yeah, those movies are a bit gay). He asked her if I would get pissed if he kissed her. She told him I was like ceiling cat... even if they didn't see me in the room, as soon as he touched her, I would drop down like a ninja.

Ha. Good girl.

Our dog is lovingly referred to as Assface now. Although she no longer chews her butt, the tarnished image remains. Sorry babe, it's like a Highschool rep... you will NEVER live it down.

Dog's and their owners really do reflect each other though. No, I cannot chew my own ass. Although it would be interesting to be that flexible... anyways... I always admire those people with fluffy little dogs that probably lose 3/4 of their mass when wet.

Ours is short, stocky, and meaty. I feel fat when walking her. I want to hurry up and get indoors before anyone see's us. Poor Assface. My ana mindset extends to the dog now.

xoxo

zen