You're not cool unless you pee your pants

Have completed week one of the liquid fast and the results are lovely. Am down 8lbs! Yesh! 
Omg how I love fasting. You know your fasting good when...

- you pee constantly
- you get the urge to pee and feel thirsty at the same time
- you actually have to run to the bathroom to pee after drinking water
- you cannot go through the entire night without waking to pee
- you pee out your bum!

Yeah, even the water-poo makes me happy. 
It makes me smile cause I know there's only water in meh!

Oh and yeah, I did drink the beer btw. How the fuck else was I supposed to get rid of it? 
Going for week two now!

xoxo ♥
zen

Sexy Beer

I am on day two of my water fast. My stomach is a rock. I love the "not hungry" feeling you get after the first 24hours. I am thirsty All-The-Time. Which is great. So I am gulping down tons of healthy water, flushing out my system, and keeping my tummy full.
Except...

There is beer in the fridge.
Food cannot tempt me, but fucking beer... ugh. It wants me bad. It looks at me so cute whenever I open the fridge to get a cold glass of water. OOH I have an idea, keep my glass on the counter, not in the fridge. No more beer flirting at me. Perfect!
Carry on ladies ♥

xoxo,
zen

Fuck Love.

My latest relationship just ended. 
5 months and 6 days after the day it began.

I was sure I'd NEVER hear from him again.

So we ended up talking for 2 hours, some of it spent in awkward silence. I still had no idea of the status of our relationship. 
It was really weird. 
So to test the waters and see if he still cared about me, I asked if we could still be friends.
He said "Yes, of course".

That was my answer. Friends.

Today he called me again on Skype to chat like normal, like nothing was different. He said he still wants to hear my voice, talk daily like always. 
But. We are just friends.
Ouch.

I am NEVER caring about someone again. I always new it was an insane concept for me. I suck at it.

Not crying, just feel empty.

xoxo
zen

So I finally find a man

With someone I've never even met. He lives in Belgium. I cannot even touch him.
What the hell is my stupid brain doing to me? This is agony.
Oh god he IS beautiful though.
He is half way around the fucking globe. This is futile.
I am determined to fail at love, and these are the lengths my stupid heart is willing to go to ensure my defeat.

On a happy note... my sister moved back in with me! Her douche bag of a boyfriend threw her lap top at her head! It missed, hit the wall, shattering the touch screen... gulp. Dude can call her ugly names, txt his skanky ex-girlfriends, but don't ever fuck with her stuff. That is a No-fucking-No!
As soon as she turned 18 she was like "buh-bye zen". Now only a couple months later, she got the balls to leave him and is back with me where she belongs. *grin*
I even cleaned the whole house so she would feel comfy.

I missed you guys. This is my comfy place. Here is a smexy picture for ya ;)

xoxo,
zen

sorry sorry sorry

Let's catch up. I need you. 

Major custody battle over baby. It is so ugly. The judge has granted the attorneys request to have some "expert" to dive into my past... my fucking personal business. Nothing is off limits. Any legal issues, medical or psychiatric records. UGLY. I have no fucking idea what they will uncover, but it is no secret among my friends the past craziness I have endured. The thought that this painful and personal information could be presented in court to use against me is terrifying and completely heartbreaking. 

The realization is sinking in that I could actually lose her, after nine years of loving and caring for her. She will be gone. My baby girl. My soul is dying. I hate him, he has been a bastard since she was born. He is a bully. He is vicious. Not just to her. I have dreaded checking my email and voice-mail every single day for the past 9 years. I live in fear of his hateful and abusive attacks. Dealing with him in our lives is painful.

I have fleeting moments...  of the urge to give up. Even if I sort-of win. It will not stop him and his brutal verbal and emotional abuse. There is no remedy for that. Sometimes I even entertain the idea that I am not suitable to raise her. That I am too much of a fuck up to raise a child. That i am so broken that it is in her best interest to go. But that is just a cop out. And I am not a pussy. He is the sick one. Sometimes I just don't know if I have the energy to fight much longer.

I am tired. Physically and emotionally. 

I am scared and depressed.

I do not know how I will survive this.

xoxo,
much love zen