So I finally find a man

With someone I've never even met. He lives in Belgium. I cannot even touch him.
What the hell is my stupid brain doing to me? This is agony.
Oh god he IS beautiful though.
He is half way around the fucking globe. This is futile.
I am determined to fail at love, and these are the lengths my stupid heart is willing to go to ensure my defeat.

On a happy note... my sister moved back in with me! Her douche bag of a boyfriend threw her lap top at her head! It missed, hit the wall, shattering the touch screen... gulp. Dude can call her ugly names, txt his skanky ex-girlfriends, but don't ever fuck with her stuff. That is a No-fucking-No!
As soon as she turned 18 she was like "buh-bye zen". Now only a couple months later, she got the balls to leave him and is back with me where she belongs. *grin*
I even cleaned the whole house so she would feel comfy.

I missed you guys. This is my comfy place. Here is a smexy picture for ya ;)

xoxo,
zen

sorry sorry sorry

Let's catch up. I need you. 

Major custody battle over baby. It is so ugly. The judge has granted the attorneys request to have some "expert" to dive into my past... my fucking personal business. Nothing is off limits. Any legal issues, medical or psychiatric records. UGLY. I have no fucking idea what they will uncover, but it is no secret among my friends the past craziness I have endured. The thought that this painful and personal information could be presented in court to use against me is terrifying and completely heartbreaking. 

The realization is sinking in that I could actually lose her, after nine years of loving and caring for her. She will be gone. My baby girl. My soul is dying. I hate him, he has been a bastard since she was born. He is a bully. He is vicious. Not just to her. I have dreaded checking my email and voice-mail every single day for the past 9 years. I live in fear of his hateful and abusive attacks. Dealing with him in our lives is painful.

I have fleeting moments...  of the urge to give up. Even if I sort-of win. It will not stop him and his brutal verbal and emotional abuse. There is no remedy for that. Sometimes I even entertain the idea that I am not suitable to raise her. That I am too much of a fuck up to raise a child. That i am so broken that it is in her best interest to go. But that is just a cop out. And I am not a pussy. He is the sick one. Sometimes I just don't know if I have the energy to fight much longer.

I am tired. Physically and emotionally. 

I am scared and depressed.

I do not know how I will survive this.

xoxo,
much love zen

Thinspo

Updated the Zen Thinspo blog this week.
Goodbye Summer ♥ Hello Fall. Yes, we can even look sexy in the cold.

Come check it out my lovelies.

xoxo zen

Big Ass Weenies

First off HI! I missed you guys. 

Here's the update....

I have been fasting for 3 days now. Poo is gone, my tush is a water faucet. Yeah, picture my fat water-producing ass for a minute. Lovely.

Caught baby looking at dirty pics online. Apparently she was curious about penis's and she found a marvelous one too. 

My first thought was "OMG this kid is scarred forever" my second thought was "Girl, that thing is not a penis, it's a monstrosity". 

Any guy she meets in the future will be a colossal disappointment. I felt so terrible for not supervising her better. Baby's computer is now on lock-down.

Scabies. We all got fucking scabies in da house. Apparently it is easily transmitted via sexual intercourse. I am not getting laid, baby sis cannot get an std from looking at pee-pee's on the internet. So I think the culprit is my teen sis.

But It's not like she's gonna willingly let me inspect her koochie.
I'd have to hold her down... and that would be just, awkward.

xoxoxoxo times a million!

zen

A little tipsy

Well here I am, drowning in Pinterest online whilst listening to Awolnation's "Megalithic Symphony" on Spotify (btw... the song "Sail" is by far my fave)...

And all the sudden I hear a burst of fireworks outside. They've been going off sporadically all night, but this was bigger... more robust. 

It occurred to me a few minutes later to check the time. 12:07.
Hmmm I missed the New Year. Bah.

I am sitting here alone, the lil one is asleep, my teen sis is out partying on the beach and my preggo roommate is locked in her room, being grumpy (boyfriend/hormone issues).

All these years I have had my dog... a chihuahua, to give me a furry little New Years Kiss. 

He's gone. 

I do however have a fat, snoring pug lying next to me.
You would have to kill me first.

Hope this year brings much joy, happiness and love to us all.
And Fuck it, let's be skinny too!

Happy Happy Happy New Year Loves!

xoxo zen