Lala Land

My girlie P.D. was talking about her first love. It was (and still is) intense. I have yet to experience that particular type of insanity.

The only long-term relationship I ever had lasted about a year. I liked him for the first couple months, then HATED  him the remaining 10 months. After that I rarely dated anymore, mostly just used guys for sex (they didn't mind).

I have special standards.

Anybody watch Lost? I am addicted to Lost, can't believe this is the last season.

My latest fantasy is Martin Keamy (the mercenary from Lost)... he likes to play rough *wink wink*. OK he is actually a TV character, but we have a great life together in lala land. Maybe that's why I've never been in love, all the boys I truly want are imaginary.

Sadly real men just don't cut it. A guy may have that sexy rouge-esq-ness about him, but then as he confidently walks over to flirt, I look down in horror at his ...  flip flops, mercenaries don't wear flip flops!

Much luvs,

xoxo zen

The wheel is turning, but the hamster is definitely dead.

I am having EPIC brain-farts lately. Perhaps this prolonged fast is starting to kill off my brain cells, causing them to release noxious gas.

At the holiday family gathering the women were talking about a cousins recent "natural delivery" in which a birthing tub was set up in her living room. (no electricity)

Hours after the birth, a hose was hooked up to the (bloody) tub and drained into the toilette. (gag) So I asked who got to put the hose in their mouth and siphon that shit out? Silence. I heard crickets. Why the fuck did I say that?

I usually think before I speak... but the brain flatulence is pushing words out before I have time to process them. Fuuuuck. Instead of talking to people, I might as well just walk over and pee on them. It would be far less embarrassing.























People are speaking way too fast also. They need to dumb-it-down a bit. You know? The way you would talk to a   s.. l.. o.. w..  person. 

My baby sister and I were at a shop today and I called out to her to come over to me. She yelled back, "that is not my name" and kept wandering around.  "Whoever you are, get your ass back over here" I shouted. A lady in the shoppe was eyeballing me so I tilted my head and smiled.

Yeah lady,  just keep on walking. Else you might catch my stupid.

xoxo zen

I was bad, and I liked it

I ate more than usual yesterday. Something snapped. Well more like succumbed, happily obliged, submitted? Eh, that just sounds slutty. I didn't feverishly stuff my face, I simply ate and got sum pleasure out of it, rawr. wink wink.

So I had a croissant in the morning. And a tofurky sandwich for brunch. Then was craving pancakes for dinner, but we were all out of syrup, whew, disaster averted.

Couldn't drink the "ass" beer though. Fuck! Maybe someday they will come out with an "ass-lite".

Felt a slight twinge of guilt cause I am still a fat as hell. Since I haven't really eaten in over a month, I figured I'd avoid the scale today. Forgive(ish) and forget(ish). But I still feel guilty, otherwise I wouldn't be sitting here at my internet confessional.

Oh, and had my first real poo in a month too. So I guess this binge went straight through me. That's good, right? For some reason? Gotta be something good about that? Somehow? Whatever.

xoxo,

zen

EDIT...
I decided to hop on the scale.
Did not gain an ounce.
Fucking awesome.
Oh topa, you havn't failed me yet, smooches.

le pooch

She arrived yesterday... we took her with us for a huge puppy-supply shopping spree.  

Last night she slept on me, ON me. I couldn't even roll over. I had a 5 ton unconscious fur-ball on my legs.

She snores like an old man.

She barks at everything. Today we watched "cats and dogs" with her (yes, she watches TV). It has barking dogs in it, she went bonkers.

She sounds congested, like she's constantly growling. Her snorts make us laugh, especially when it is accompanied by a spray of spittle.

We cannot WAIT to paint her toe nails!

We are absolutely in love with our Rosie Hat and her wet kisses.

xoxo,

zen

Magic Pills

I received a lot of questions after my last post. Yes 20lbs in one month is fucking insane. 

My current *kickass* weightloss is not due to willpower. I recently asked my doctor to prescribe Topamax for my binge eating disorder.

Here is the original post I made about it... Drugs

When I first started using it, food began to taste funky. Two weeks later I convinced my doctor to increase my dosage. She doubled it from 200 to 400mg daily, and my appetite diminished entirely.

I am not hungry at all anymore.When I do eat, food tastes like dirt, and it also upsets my stomach as if I am already full. I lose about 5 pounds a week. So no, I do not really eat. 

Occasionally I do try. Last night I had a few bites of dinner with my sisters. I like to eat chocolate (in moderation). It's the only thing that still tastes good to me. I can't even stand alcohol! God, I fucking miss drinking!! Actually ALL carbonated drinks taste awful now.

The other day my friends planned on having sushi for girls night. Oooh, I'd kill for that stuff! So I skipped my second pill in hopes of regaining any appetite or sensation of taste. Nope, didn't work.

I (slowly) ate two rolls, they were nice and soft, but still bland. Of course, I wasn't able to drink my beer because it was gross and watery. But it was still a fun night.

The drug raises my body temperature as it increases my BMR. And my hands and feet go to sleep all the time, painfully. But I do have a lot more energy than before which is nice.

Curious... How many of you tried to click on the picture?

Much luvs, 

xoxo zen